Hello, boy, it has been a busy few weeks and I seemed to have fallen off the blogging path. So many things came up between work and family that I just couldn't get to my blog. I'm sure we all know the turmoil of too much happenning at the same time and priorities needing to be shifted for a bit. But mayhem has been managed and I can get back to the task of writing about how to make parenting more fun for you, your spouse and your kids.
So, onward to Encourage them and their dreams....
Do you remember when you were a kid and dreamt of being a movie star, a sports hero, the president or a daredevil or a rock star? We all had such dreams as children, fantasizing about being just like our heroes. At that moment in time, those dreams were a real as they could be. One could spend hours thinking about how they would sink the winning basket, or hitthe walk off home run. Or maybe your were thinking what your acceptance speech would be at the Oscars, or when you won the Nobel Prize. Whatever your dreams were, they were tangible and gave you something to strive for, something important you wanted to attain and at that time, everything seemed possible.
But then people told you dreams are silly, a waste of time, you could never really expect to be all that and slowly you stopped dreaming and got down to being practical, because practical is best, it is safe and it is expected by many of us in today’s world. Many of us look back with amusement on some of the dreams we held as children. I for one, wanted to be like Mahatma Gandhi, yeah, not sure where that came from, but I wanted to help people make the world a better place. Oh, and I wanted to be a great actress once.
Dreams play an important role in our lives. Everyone needs to dream to stretch our minds to the infinite possibilities in the universe. What if the Wright brothers had not had the dream of flight? What if they allowed naysayers to stop them from believing that man could fly. Most childhood dreams are transitory, a fleeting fancy of the latest fad, but even those dreams provide an opportunity to learn and grow and for you as a parent to encourage and support your child in delving into their own desires.
How cool would it be to actually live your dreams, to have a life that truly inspires you and brings you joy and satisfaction? Is that not what we are looking for in this life, to be happy and find our purpose? When your children talk of their dreams and aspirations, don’t be so quick to negate them, ask them questions about their dreams; have them research their dreams and see what it entails to make them come true. If it’s a phase it will pass, but if you’re supportive, you can both have some fun and maybe learn something new about yourself and your child.
Sounds like a win - win situation to me.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Ways we invalidate others
It would seem that on the whole we have become a nation that invalidates. The young child who is afraid to take a test and is told, “Don’t be silly” or “your just being silly” is a case in point. While the case may be that they are overreacting to taking the test, for them the fear is real and to negate it can make a child feel worse about themselves not better. Think about it, on top of feeling afraid, now they are being told that they are silly too. In our efforts to make our children feel better, we may be doing the opposite.
So, what does one say to a child who is experiencing fear or anxiety? First, you acknowledge the fear and then help them break it down into its components so that they can understand what is really driving the fear. Fear has three components: The subjective experience of apprehension; the associated psychological changes and the attempts to escape the situation. Ranchman, S. J. (1990). Fear and courage - Second edition. New York: W. H. Freeman and Company.
A person’s subjective experience is how that individual processes their environment. That is why we all have different emotions regarding the same or similar situations. Emotions are colored by our prior experiences, age, learning and our level of coping mechanisms. Think of how and why we grow out of childhood fears.
Psychological changes are each person’s distinctive reaction to what is going on in one’s life. Again, children respond differently emotionally than do adults. To tell them to grow up is impossible and unfair, they are where they are and can’t move forward because you think they should. But, as a parent, you can listen, acknowledge their emotions and help them to see how they work for and against them depending on the situation. (Don’t always expect this to be easy) It will go a long way to making them feel validated and provide them the internal courage to face their fears and excel in spite of them. Is that not what we all wish for?
Your child comes to you afraid they are going to flunk a test at school. What do you do? Acknoweldge the fear and then explore with them in a non-judgmental manner where they feel the fear comes from. If it’s because they did not study, well the fear is warranted due to their lack of preparation. This is where logical consequences come in…you don’t study enough, you run the risk of flunking. Solution; next time, put in the appropriate amount of studying.
The idea is to allow your child to feel their emotions: anger, fear, joy, sorrow to name a few. Emotions are a complex part of our lives and more issues arise from people not feeling heard or validated in how they feel. While the feelings may not always be warranted, they are real and it makes sense to deal with them to a positive outcome then to stuff them down for fear of sharing.
So, what does one say to a child who is experiencing fear or anxiety? First, you acknowledge the fear and then help them break it down into its components so that they can understand what is really driving the fear. Fear has three components: The subjective experience of apprehension; the associated psychological changes and the attempts to escape the situation. Ranchman, S. J. (1990). Fear and courage - Second edition. New York: W. H. Freeman and Company.
A person’s subjective experience is how that individual processes their environment. That is why we all have different emotions regarding the same or similar situations. Emotions are colored by our prior experiences, age, learning and our level of coping mechanisms. Think of how and why we grow out of childhood fears.
Psychological changes are each person’s distinctive reaction to what is going on in one’s life. Again, children respond differently emotionally than do adults. To tell them to grow up is impossible and unfair, they are where they are and can’t move forward because you think they should. But, as a parent, you can listen, acknowledge their emotions and help them to see how they work for and against them depending on the situation. (Don’t always expect this to be easy) It will go a long way to making them feel validated and provide them the internal courage to face their fears and excel in spite of them. Is that not what we all wish for?
Your child comes to you afraid they are going to flunk a test at school. What do you do? Acknoweldge the fear and then explore with them in a non-judgmental manner where they feel the fear comes from. If it’s because they did not study, well the fear is warranted due to their lack of preparation. This is where logical consequences come in…you don’t study enough, you run the risk of flunking. Solution; next time, put in the appropriate amount of studying.
The idea is to allow your child to feel their emotions: anger, fear, joy, sorrow to name a few. Emotions are a complex part of our lives and more issues arise from people not feeling heard or validated in how they feel. While the feelings may not always be warranted, they are real and it makes sense to deal with them to a positive outcome then to stuff them down for fear of sharing.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Validate them and their feelings
Feelings or emotions are a rather strong component of being human. We all feel what we feel regardles of whether we want to at times. Telling someone their feelings are wrong, silly or unwarranted does not make the feelings go away, it just makes that person feel, unheard, unloved and invalidated.
We all have feelings, things that affect us in many ways – It’s safe to say that everyone experiences life from their own unique perspective (this is affected by each person’s past experience, personality and gender to name a few)
Feelings are not necessarily right or wrong, they just are what they are. Try to stop an emotion from welling up, it’s not easy. (Holding back tears of sadness or joy; stifling a cry of rage) We’ve all done it, or tried to do it at least a couple of times. We all know that feelings can be one of the biggest barriers to communication. Understanding feelings and how it can affect our interactions is crucial to having a better relationship with your children, or anyone for that matter.
At times, we don’t seem to know what to make of our feelings as adults, so why do we jump so quickly to suppress our children’s feelings. As parents, we need to help our children understand and work through their feelings (especially those which cause pain, or confusion) and come up with workable solutions if they are warranted. And sometimes we need to just hold them and let them feel what they feel in the safety of our loving embrace.
When dealing with your children’s feelings, it is best to choose words that embody encouragement, understanding and compassion rather than words that negate or belittle or invalidate what they are experiencing. As a parent, of course you want them to feel good, but ignoring their emotions no matter how noble the reason, does your child little good in the long run. Denial is more than just a river in Eqypt.
Help them face their feelings and work through them. Your child will talk to you more and seek your counsel if you listen to them and help them navigate their emotions not wallow in them or deny them completely. Validate their feelings, accept them for what they are and help them to learn how to figure things out for themselves. (You won’t always be there to help, don’t leave them stranded without the tools to figure life out for themselves).
Next: ways we invalidate others.
We all have feelings, things that affect us in many ways – It’s safe to say that everyone experiences life from their own unique perspective (this is affected by each person’s past experience, personality and gender to name a few)
Feelings are not necessarily right or wrong, they just are what they are. Try to stop an emotion from welling up, it’s not easy. (Holding back tears of sadness or joy; stifling a cry of rage) We’ve all done it, or tried to do it at least a couple of times. We all know that feelings can be one of the biggest barriers to communication. Understanding feelings and how it can affect our interactions is crucial to having a better relationship with your children, or anyone for that matter.
At times, we don’t seem to know what to make of our feelings as adults, so why do we jump so quickly to suppress our children’s feelings. As parents, we need to help our children understand and work through their feelings (especially those which cause pain, or confusion) and come up with workable solutions if they are warranted. And sometimes we need to just hold them and let them feel what they feel in the safety of our loving embrace.
When dealing with your children’s feelings, it is best to choose words that embody encouragement, understanding and compassion rather than words that negate or belittle or invalidate what they are experiencing. As a parent, of course you want them to feel good, but ignoring their emotions no matter how noble the reason, does your child little good in the long run. Denial is more than just a river in Eqypt.
Help them face their feelings and work through them. Your child will talk to you more and seek your counsel if you listen to them and help them navigate their emotions not wallow in them or deny them completely. Validate their feelings, accept them for what they are and help them to learn how to figure things out for themselves. (You won’t always be there to help, don’t leave them stranded without the tools to figure life out for themselves).
Next: ways we invalidate others.
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