Obey Your Own Rules

They say that children learn what they live. So, what are you teaching them? This principle is similar to “observe your own behavior” in that what our children learn and how they proceed through the world begins with what we teach through our own behavior and our expectations of their behavior. Or, in other words, the rules we teach.

Children look to us to provide structure to their world; otherwise it can seem chaotic and downright scary. Even those grumpy teenagers are hoping you will rein them in when they don’t have the courage to do so themselves; they just can’t admit it readily.

So, what kind of behavior do you want from your kid? Think about this: How do you want them to behave at home? At school? In public? Do you want them to be a productive member of society or a social outcast? In order for them to behave well and or appropriately, you have to give the guidelines. Don’t expect them to just know these things, they are kids; the little ones don’t know anything unless they are taught and the older one’s may not fully understand what is expected from them. Just because they are as tall as you, does not mean they know as much as you (oh, they will think so, but we know the truth) Remember, they are looking to you for guidance: Say what you mean, mean what you say and let YOUR actions show them the way.

Decide what your house rules are and make sure everyone knows them and the consequences of breaking them. And then, this is important: FOLLOW YOUR OWN RULES. Be consistent with the consequences and don’t back down. There are rules all around us for the rest of our lives, and the testing ground is home.

So, if you tell your children that stealing is wrong, and they watch you at the grocery checkout not pay for an item or two that the checker missed, you are sending a mixed message and it is bound to cause confusion. Now we all know about ‘finder’s keepers’ and the like, but just as with little white lies, it’s still stealing and it’s still lying. I do not know many kids or adults who like the double standard, especially when they are on the losing end. Maybe if we all tried to be a bit more practiced in our approach to rules of behavior and followed through, everyone would be a bit happier.

And yes, there is an exception to every rule, but the rules need to be there and adhered to as they are the foundation for knowing your world and what to expect in various situations. We learn that a red light at an intersection means for people to stop; the consequences of ignoring this rule can be tragic.
So, teach your children about the rules of the world and how the general society expects them to act while in the world. Give them clearly defined expectations and explain why they are important. Then provide them with the consequences of not adhering to the rules. With older children, you can include them in this process. Some kids actually dole out more harsh punishments then you will and it does help you when they do have to accept the consequences as you say to them; “well, this was your choice” Because, isn’t that what life is about, choices? We all have more choices then we realize and this is a great beginning to teaching your child how to make the best choices for them.

Remember, that if you are asking them to do something, it needs to be something you will do yourself. They are mirrors of ourselves and they will call you on your expectations if you don’t follow through. And yes, there are those things that fall into the “adult” only category, but you need to explain that to your children. If you want your children to be honest and behave well then you have to show them the way.

Yelling is Not Communication

Well, this one would appear to be a no brainer. While it seems at time we are nation of yellers, yelling is not about communicating, it’s about power & control. Yelling is a manipulative technique to try and coerce someone into backing down. Yelling is about bullying someone into submission. It really serves no sensible purpose and it will surely send your child to Johnny down the road, or a cult to get what they need.

As soon as you start yelling, they stop listening. We cannot be surprised by this. Even as adults, we try yelling; in the senate, at sports events, in meetings...It’s as if we think that yelling gets our point across better or that people actually listen to a red faced angry person. While I do not discount anger, one is better served to bring forth concerns with a somewhat reasonable tone if they wish to be heard and taken seriously. Do I think this is right, not particularly as anger or frustration is a byproduct of a need not being met, so maybe we need to take the anger and tone into consideration, realizing it means something to the person voicing their concerns? It has been my experience that the angrier a person appears, can also mean that the issue is quite important to them. The trick is to figure out which one it is.

As parents, we have to realize that our children are ruled by multiple stimuli from their environment, TV, peers and their own internal fears, oh and don’t forget, hormones. This is a recipie for one crazy making interaction between you and your children with lots of yelling and drama for all. However, if you remember that you and your children are at different stages in life and the pressures they are living with (you lived with the same ones when you were young) are real to them, you will find that you can communicate with your child from a position of understanding and support rather than manipulation, control and anger.

So, when confronted with a volatile situation with your child, take a breath, and then say what you want to say calmly, so they can hear it. Now realize that you will have to give them a chance to speak their mind too. Trust me, you will both get more out of the interchange this way. Remember, that they have to abide by the same rules that you have just modeled: speak slowly and clearly and you will not interrupt. This is also known as active listening. This is something that will serve you and your children in all of your social interaction whether it is your spouse, parents or co-workers.

Time outs are also a good for calming down, you and or your kids. I love the IKEA commercial where the mother states, it’s time for a time out and she retreats to her room leaving two puzzled (and quiet) young children in the living room. Don’t forget the dark chocolate!