Yelling is Not Communication

Well, this one would appear to be a no brainer. While it seems at time we are nation of yellers, yelling is not about communicating, it’s about power & control. Yelling is a manipulative technique to try and coerce someone into backing down. Yelling is about bullying someone into submission. It really serves no sensible purpose and it will surely send your child to Johnny down the road, or a cult to get what they need.

As soon as you start yelling, they stop listening. We cannot be surprised by this. Even as adults, we try yelling; in the senate, at sports events, in meetings...It’s as if we think that yelling gets our point across better or that people actually listen to a red faced angry person. While I do not discount anger, one is better served to bring forth concerns with a somewhat reasonable tone if they wish to be heard and taken seriously. Do I think this is right, not particularly as anger or frustration is a byproduct of a need not being met, so maybe we need to take the anger and tone into consideration, realizing it means something to the person voicing their concerns? It has been my experience that the angrier a person appears, can also mean that the issue is quite important to them. The trick is to figure out which one it is.

As parents, we have to realize that our children are ruled by multiple stimuli from their environment, TV, peers and their own internal fears, oh and don’t forget, hormones. This is a recipie for one crazy making interaction between you and your children with lots of yelling and drama for all. However, if you remember that you and your children are at different stages in life and the pressures they are living with (you lived with the same ones when you were young) are real to them, you will find that you can communicate with your child from a position of understanding and support rather than manipulation, control and anger.

So, when confronted with a volatile situation with your child, take a breath, and then say what you want to say calmly, so they can hear it. Now realize that you will have to give them a chance to speak their mind too. Trust me, you will both get more out of the interchange this way. Remember, that they have to abide by the same rules that you have just modeled: speak slowly and clearly and you will not interrupt. This is also known as active listening. This is something that will serve you and your children in all of your social interaction whether it is your spouse, parents or co-workers.

Time outs are also a good for calming down, you and or your kids. I love the IKEA commercial where the mother states, it’s time for a time out and she retreats to her room leaving two puzzled (and quiet) young children in the living room. Don’t forget the dark chocolate!