Learning is not just accomplished in the classroom. Children are learning all the time and not just when we are teaching them. In fact they are probably learning more when we are not paying attention. Children mirror our behaviors, so before you criticize, make sure you’re not the source of the behavior.
How many of us remember wanting to be just like mom or dad only to be chastised when we did something they do. Some of you reading this may well remember the gum sticks in the shapes of cigarettes. Hard to believe they every sold such an item today. Children do learn what they live, so you need to think about what are they learning living with you. You have heard, “you are what you eat”…well your children are in part what you model. So, if there are behaviors you do not like in your children, step back and see if your child is mimicking you. This is a tough one; it is not easy to admit that your behavior is being reflected back at you in a not so positive light. But you need to remember this; all behavior is learned. The trick is to find where the unwanted behavior comes from and go back to that point and effect change.
There is of course the old standby, discipline etc, but to truly change behavior, one must go to where the behavior originated. Trying to change or stop behaviors without looking at their origin is like trying to stop internal bleeding without looking for the cause. Band-Aids only work so long. Trying to change behavior will take time and patience, but it can be done. The payoff is worth the effort.
What we know:
Telling your kids to behave when you are not just destroys your credibility. Do as I say, not as I do does not always work. You can’t really get mad at your kids bad behavior if it mirrors your own. Two sets of rules will not resonate with them. “Because I’m an adult” only works in so many situations. I know my father’s favorite line; “Do as I say, not as I do” did not do much for us as kids.
Children live what the learn
If they see you do it, they will too.
They are in as sense mirrors of ourselves, the good the bad and the ugly….
So, the misbehavior you dislike may be your own
Most behavior is learned through observation and listening; what are you teaching your child?
Say what you mean, mean what you say and think about what your actions convey.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Listening is an integral part of communication which is the foundation for all relationships in your life.
Picking up where I left off last time. If you don’t listen to your kids (modeling) how are they to learn how to listen to you and other people in their lives.
What does it mean to listen?
It’s not enough to just be there, you have to be present.
Listening is about taking in someone’s else’s words, understanding, and respecting those feelings that are being conveyed to you by another through words.
Kids know when your really listening and they know when they are being heard. Listening to your kids does not mean you agree with them or that you give in; it shows you respect them enough to hear what they have to say. This is important if you want them to return the favor and listen to you. (See Observe your Own Behavior)
Reciprocity. Live it, reap the benefits. .
Listening is an integral part of communication
Some things that get in the way of listening
Anger
Depression
Stress
Anxiety
Past experience
Expectations
These factors can be both positive and negative
Breaking down the barriers to listening
Be aware of your barriers
Using “I” statements is about taking responsibility for your own feelings and conveying to others how your feeling about something, not that they made you feel this way.
We do have a choice, and again, no one can truly make you feel anything without your buy in.
When your at odds, with your teen, instead of blaming, ask “What can we do so that we get closer to what we both want?”
Discuss the situation from a problem solving point of view – (hint) the problem is the dirty room or what ever issue your dealing with, not your child. This is not weakness or giving in, it’s teaching kids how to resolve issues without resorting to blame, blackmail or badmouthing.
Thoughts to consider:
If you can’t hold your tongue during this discussion, try sitting on your hands or get a piece of paper and write thoughts down as they come up, but don’t interrupt, you’ll have your say. Let them finish. Then they have to let you finish(modeling).
Did I mention that this is a reciprocal relationship? It’s not a competition, It’s called Communicating.
Kids learn how to argue somewhere . . . . . . . .
What does it mean to listen?
It’s not enough to just be there, you have to be present.
Listening is about taking in someone’s else’s words, understanding, and respecting those feelings that are being conveyed to you by another through words.
Kids know when your really listening and they know when they are being heard. Listening to your kids does not mean you agree with them or that you give in; it shows you respect them enough to hear what they have to say. This is important if you want them to return the favor and listen to you. (See Observe your Own Behavior)
Reciprocity. Live it, reap the benefits. .
Listening is an integral part of communication
Some things that get in the way of listening
Anger
Depression
Stress
Anxiety
Past experience
Expectations
These factors can be both positive and negative
Breaking down the barriers to listening
Be aware of your barriers
Using “I” statements is about taking responsibility for your own feelings and conveying to others how your feeling about something, not that they made you feel this way.
We do have a choice, and again, no one can truly make you feel anything without your buy in.
When your at odds, with your teen, instead of blaming, ask “What can we do so that we get closer to what we both want?”
Discuss the situation from a problem solving point of view – (hint) the problem is the dirty room or what ever issue your dealing with, not your child. This is not weakness or giving in, it’s teaching kids how to resolve issues without resorting to blame, blackmail or badmouthing.
Thoughts to consider:
If you can’t hold your tongue during this discussion, try sitting on your hands or get a piece of paper and write thoughts down as they come up, but don’t interrupt, you’ll have your say. Let them finish. Then they have to let you finish(modeling).
Did I mention that this is a reciprocal relationship? It’s not a competition, It’s called Communicating.
Kids learn how to argue somewhere . . . . . . . .
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Listen
I think it is very appropriate that Listen is the first concept in the 12 ways to Love Your Kids. Listening is vital to any and all of our relationships and I think quite a few would agree we do not always listen as well as we could or should.
Let's talk about the difference between "hearing" and "listening". To hear means to perceive, put simply you hear the rain, though there are those of us who do like to listen to the rain. However, to listen is to pay attention; to hear with thoughtful attention. Listening requires that you are present and attending to and processing what is being said by the other person. How many of us can say we practice this on a daily basis. Tuning out seems to be a much easier approach in a world where sensory overload is a daily occurrence. Reading the paper or watching the news while "talking" with your children is not listening. Listening, really listening to someone takes active participation, In other words, you need to be present both physically and mentally. To me, listening shows respect, caring and consideration of someone else's feelings, which helps to validate that person, but that's another topic.
As parents we have to remember that how we perceive things and how our children perceive the same things are very different. Children have not reached our level of learning and therefore cannot really be expected to understand the adult point of view. My mentor, Ken Breslin, PhD named his child psychology practice A Child's Point of View for that very reason. If as parents we talk to and listen to our children keeping this in mind, we will have a greater understanding of their emotions and resulting actions. Now when they get older, understanding their point of view does not mean you agree or that they get whatever they want, but I can assure you that a child who feels as though you really listened to them will be more prone to come to you for help than the cool juvenile delinquent down the street. Who do you want your child to "listen" to? When I was a middle school counselor one of the things the kids said they liked about my approach was I did listen to their thoughts and arguments and explained why I agreed or did not agree with them. They actually do want to talk, but being ridiculed or ignored is the quickest way to shut a kid down.
Some things that get in the way of listening are moods, past experiences, stress levels and age to name a few. If you are in a bad mood and stressed out, it is probably not a good time to have a heart to heart with your kid. This goes for any relationship in your life when you think about it. Over time, I have found that the principals in Love Your Kids will work throughout your entire life, in your intimate relationships and in the work place.
When talking and listening to your kids, remember to use and teach “I” messages; this is taking responsibility for one’s feelings and not going to the blame game. No one can make you feel anything without your permission. Saying “ I get frustrated when you don’t do your chores” is a better place to start then “you never do anything”; “ why can’t you do anything right”. Which sounds more respectful to you? Remember, we teach our children how to be by our words and our actions.
Let's talk about the difference between "hearing" and "listening". To hear means to perceive, put simply you hear the rain, though there are those of us who do like to listen to the rain. However, to listen is to pay attention; to hear with thoughtful attention. Listening requires that you are present and attending to and processing what is being said by the other person. How many of us can say we practice this on a daily basis. Tuning out seems to be a much easier approach in a world where sensory overload is a daily occurrence. Reading the paper or watching the news while "talking" with your children is not listening. Listening, really listening to someone takes active participation, In other words, you need to be present both physically and mentally. To me, listening shows respect, caring and consideration of someone else's feelings, which helps to validate that person, but that's another topic.
As parents we have to remember that how we perceive things and how our children perceive the same things are very different. Children have not reached our level of learning and therefore cannot really be expected to understand the adult point of view. My mentor, Ken Breslin, PhD named his child psychology practice A Child's Point of View for that very reason. If as parents we talk to and listen to our children keeping this in mind, we will have a greater understanding of their emotions and resulting actions. Now when they get older, understanding their point of view does not mean you agree or that they get whatever they want, but I can assure you that a child who feels as though you really listened to them will be more prone to come to you for help than the cool juvenile delinquent down the street. Who do you want your child to "listen" to? When I was a middle school counselor one of the things the kids said they liked about my approach was I did listen to their thoughts and arguments and explained why I agreed or did not agree with them. They actually do want to talk, but being ridiculed or ignored is the quickest way to shut a kid down.
Some things that get in the way of listening are moods, past experiences, stress levels and age to name a few. If you are in a bad mood and stressed out, it is probably not a good time to have a heart to heart with your kid. This goes for any relationship in your life when you think about it. Over time, I have found that the principals in Love Your Kids will work throughout your entire life, in your intimate relationships and in the work place.
When talking and listening to your kids, remember to use and teach “I” messages; this is taking responsibility for one’s feelings and not going to the blame game. No one can make you feel anything without your permission. Saying “ I get frustrated when you don’t do your chores” is a better place to start then “you never do anything”; “ why can’t you do anything right”. Which sounds more respectful to you? Remember, we teach our children how to be by our words and our actions.
Monday, July 6, 2009
So, it’s been a busy week, meant to get back to this sooner, but life has a way of diverting you from what you want to do to what you need to do. But the good news is you can always pick up where you left off. So, where were we? Ah, Love Your Kids, Take Care of Yourself. You might ask where this came from. It came about while I was completing my Master’s Thesis on Violence Prevention in Middle Schools. What I found is that by the time kids reach middle school, there is a whole lot of conditioning that has to be undone. So, I thought why not start early and teach children what they need to know from the start. Love Your Kids is a foundation for parenting. It is not a catchall or a panacea, it is a place to start that works across all socio-economic, cultural and ethnic backgrounds. We all want to raise happy healthy kids and not lose ourselves in the process, don’t we?
Each letter in Love Your Kids relates to a different principal of parenting. Of course, one could come up with more, but again, this is the foundation; you build the rest with your family.
Listen – We could all stand to do more of this and yes, there is a difference between hearing and Listening.
Observe your own behavior – Children learn what they live, what are your actions teaching them/
Validate them and their feelings– As social beings, we are all seeking validation from others, family is the first source. If done well, your child will learn to validate themselves from within.
Encourage them and their dreams – seems simple, but too often parents scoff at childhood dreams. If people did not dare to dream, we would not have airplanes and cures for disease.
Yelling is not communication – enough said, for now.
Obey your own rules – Credibility comes from your actions following your words.
Unconditional Love – They need to know they are more important than anything they do.
Respect, Responsibility – Teach it! Model it!
Kiss them – LOTS Everyone needs to feel loved and accepted and special.
Inspire Integrity – teach children to strive to be the best they can be and do be honorable in all that they do.
Discipline – Consistently, fairly and with love.
Savor each moment – They grow up too soon!
Coming up – What does it mean to really Listen.
Each letter in Love Your Kids relates to a different principal of parenting. Of course, one could come up with more, but again, this is the foundation; you build the rest with your family.
Listen – We could all stand to do more of this and yes, there is a difference between hearing and Listening.
Observe your own behavior – Children learn what they live, what are your actions teaching them/
Validate them and their feelings– As social beings, we are all seeking validation from others, family is the first source. If done well, your child will learn to validate themselves from within.
Encourage them and their dreams – seems simple, but too often parents scoff at childhood dreams. If people did not dare to dream, we would not have airplanes and cures for disease.
Yelling is not communication – enough said, for now.
Obey your own rules – Credibility comes from your actions following your words.
Unconditional Love – They need to know they are more important than anything they do.
Respect, Responsibility – Teach it! Model it!
Kiss them – LOTS Everyone needs to feel loved and accepted and special.
Inspire Integrity – teach children to strive to be the best they can be and do be honorable in all that they do.
Discipline – Consistently, fairly and with love.
Savor each moment – They grow up too soon!
Coming up – What does it mean to really Listen.
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