Listen

I think it is very appropriate that Listen is the first concept in the 12 ways to Love Your Kids. Listening is vital to any and all of our relationships and I think quite a few would agree we do not always listen as well as we could or should.
Let's talk about the difference between "hearing" and "listening". To hear means to perceive, put simply you hear the rain, though there are those of us who do like to listen to the rain. However, to listen is to pay attention; to hear with thoughtful attention. Listening requires that you are present and attending to and processing what is being said by the other person. How many of us can say we practice this on a daily basis. Tuning out seems to be a much easier approach in a world where sensory overload is a daily occurrence. Reading the paper or watching the news while "talking" with your children is not listening. Listening, really listening to someone takes active participation, In other words, you need to be present both physically and mentally. To me, listening shows respect, caring and consideration of someone else's feelings, which helps to validate that person, but that's another topic.
As parents we have to remember that how we perceive things and how our children perceive the same things are very different. Children have not reached our level of learning and therefore cannot really be expected to understand the adult point of view. My mentor, Ken Breslin, PhD named his child psychology practice A Child's Point of View for that very reason. If as parents we talk to and listen to our children keeping this in mind, we will have a greater understanding of their emotions and resulting actions. Now when they get older, understanding their point of view does not mean you agree or that they get whatever they want, but I can assure you that a child who feels as though you really listened to them will be more prone to come to you for help than the cool juvenile delinquent down the street. Who do you want your child to "listen" to? When I was a middle school counselor one of the things the kids said they liked about my approach was I did listen to their thoughts and arguments and explained why I agreed or did not agree with them. They actually do want to talk, but being ridiculed or ignored is the quickest way to shut a kid down.
Some things that get in the way of listening are moods, past experiences, stress levels and age to name a few. If you are in a bad mood and stressed out, it is probably not a good time to have a heart to heart with your kid. This goes for any relationship in your life when you think about it. Over time, I have found that the principals in Love Your Kids will work throughout your entire life, in your intimate relationships and in the work place.
When talking and listening to your kids, remember to use and teach “I” messages; this is taking responsibility for one’s feelings and not going to the blame game. No one can make you feel anything without your permission. Saying “ I get frustrated when you don’t do your chores” is a better place to start then “you never do anything”; “ why can’t you do anything right”. Which sounds more respectful to you? Remember, we teach our children how to be by our words and our actions.