Yep, it's been a while; Again. The holidays, and they do begin with Halloween just seem to be going by at a rapid pace this year. I can't believe that it's only three weeks till Christmas. We all talk about the things that get in the way of life and what we want or need to do, but it seems to me, it's always a time thing. Time: the one thing man cannot control, no matter how hard we try. There is either too much time on our hands, no time left, time outs, time off, just in the nick of time, well you get the idea.
I think we need to step back and think about what time is and how we go about using it. "They say time changes things, but actually, you have to change them yourself." Andy Warhol.
Children are a constant reminder of how time slips by, they grow so fast. Before you know it they are young adults with opinions and dreams of their own. So, don't you want to make the most of your time on this earth and with the ones you love? And yet, we prioritize things, not time and people and wonder why we are not happier.
When things are gone, we are left with time (on our hands) but when time is gone, it's GONE! Think about that one.
With these tough economic times bringing a dose of reality to those previously immune, maybe it is time to rethink what is truely important in this life we have been given and prioritize in a different manner.
I found a poem (for lack of a better term) that I wrote a while ago and while not a perfect fit, it speaks to what the country is going through currently....a soul revolution.
Measure life in laughter, not tears
In places and people
Not things accumulated throughout the years.
Transient is life
And so are we
Building our lives upon
Immaterial objects...
How foolish are we?
Living, breathing and loving
Is what life is about
Feelings, connecting....
Reaching out
Heart to heart,
Soul to soul
It' all there inside each and every one of us,
Not so far to go.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Unconditional Love
They need to know they are more important than anything they do.
First, I want to apologize for being away for so long. Life has a way of getting in the way of your own dreams, mine of which is to help parents enjoy parenting more and stress less. Sometime, it’s a difficult lesson to teach and live at the same time. My work as a social worker for foster care has kept me extremely busy this past month supporting my parents to be able to provide the best environment and love for the children in their care who need so much love and understanding, more than some of us can fathom.
Foster parenting requires the utmost amount of Unconditional Love. The children have been through so much, and have limited self worth due to the lack of unconditional love in their early lives. I can’t tell you how incredibly important it is that your child knows this love. It is the foundation of human nature and social relationships. That being said, let’s look at what Unconditional love isn’t: It’s not doing everything for your children, or excusing their inappropriate behavior because they are your babies or you don’t want to upset them or have them not like you.
It’s about loving that child for who they are as they become an individual and they will sooner or later want to be their own person. It’s about discipline and discouraging bad behavior. Remember, there are no bad children, only bad behavior. Too many parents attach the label “bad” to the child simultaneously with behavior. If a child is constantly told they are bad, eventually they are going to believe it. This leads to a lack of self worth, which can lead to so many other problems. If they think that no matter what they do, they are bad, they may give up trying.
When we focus on teaching what behavior is expected of our children and why, our children will have a better sense of what is expected of them and conversely, discipline becomes easier. We all make mistakes, one should not feel that one mistake defines us for the rest of our days. A discouraged child will succumb to nefarious characters looking for a child who feels unloved and unvalued by their family. That is the main premise most cults and gangs run under. Find someone willing to do anything to feel accepted and they are yours to manipulate as you see fit.
Children need to know unconditional love in order to believe in themselves. They need to know that you will be there when they fall, help them brush off the dirt and figure out how where things went wrong and how to get back on track. Think of how lack of self love and self acceptance affects all of us. The things we do to “fit in” What do you want for your children? Unconditional love allows children to accept themselves for who they are, believe in their unlimited potential and have compassion for others. Sounds like a good place to be.
First, I want to apologize for being away for so long. Life has a way of getting in the way of your own dreams, mine of which is to help parents enjoy parenting more and stress less. Sometime, it’s a difficult lesson to teach and live at the same time. My work as a social worker for foster care has kept me extremely busy this past month supporting my parents to be able to provide the best environment and love for the children in their care who need so much love and understanding, more than some of us can fathom.
Foster parenting requires the utmost amount of Unconditional Love. The children have been through so much, and have limited self worth due to the lack of unconditional love in their early lives. I can’t tell you how incredibly important it is that your child knows this love. It is the foundation of human nature and social relationships. That being said, let’s look at what Unconditional love isn’t: It’s not doing everything for your children, or excusing their inappropriate behavior because they are your babies or you don’t want to upset them or have them not like you.
It’s about loving that child for who they are as they become an individual and they will sooner or later want to be their own person. It’s about discipline and discouraging bad behavior. Remember, there are no bad children, only bad behavior. Too many parents attach the label “bad” to the child simultaneously with behavior. If a child is constantly told they are bad, eventually they are going to believe it. This leads to a lack of self worth, which can lead to so many other problems. If they think that no matter what they do, they are bad, they may give up trying.
When we focus on teaching what behavior is expected of our children and why, our children will have a better sense of what is expected of them and conversely, discipline becomes easier. We all make mistakes, one should not feel that one mistake defines us for the rest of our days. A discouraged child will succumb to nefarious characters looking for a child who feels unloved and unvalued by their family. That is the main premise most cults and gangs run under. Find someone willing to do anything to feel accepted and they are yours to manipulate as you see fit.
Children need to know unconditional love in order to believe in themselves. They need to know that you will be there when they fall, help them brush off the dirt and figure out how where things went wrong and how to get back on track. Think of how lack of self love and self acceptance affects all of us. The things we do to “fit in” What do you want for your children? Unconditional love allows children to accept themselves for who they are, believe in their unlimited potential and have compassion for others. Sounds like a good place to be.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Obey Your Own Rules
They say that children learn what they live. So, what are you teaching them? This principle is similar to “observe your own behavior” in that what our children learn and how they proceed through the world begins with what we teach through our own behavior and our expectations of their behavior. Or, in other words, the rules we teach.
Children look to us to provide structure to their world; otherwise it can seem chaotic and downright scary. Even those grumpy teenagers are hoping you will rein them in when they don’t have the courage to do so themselves; they just can’t admit it readily.
So, what kind of behavior do you want from your kid? Think about this: How do you want them to behave at home? At school? In public? Do you want them to be a productive member of society or a social outcast? In order for them to behave well and or appropriately, you have to give the guidelines. Don’t expect them to just know these things, they are kids; the little ones don’t know anything unless they are taught and the older one’s may not fully understand what is expected from them. Just because they are as tall as you, does not mean they know as much as you (oh, they will think so, but we know the truth) Remember, they are looking to you for guidance: Say what you mean, mean what you say and let YOUR actions show them the way.
Decide what your house rules are and make sure everyone knows them and the consequences of breaking them. And then, this is important: FOLLOW YOUR OWN RULES. Be consistent with the consequences and don’t back down. There are rules all around us for the rest of our lives, and the testing ground is home.
So, if you tell your children that stealing is wrong, and they watch you at the grocery checkout not pay for an item or two that the checker missed, you are sending a mixed message and it is bound to cause confusion. Now we all know about ‘finder’s keepers’ and the like, but just as with little white lies, it’s still stealing and it’s still lying. I do not know many kids or adults who like the double standard, especially when they are on the losing end. Maybe if we all tried to be a bit more practiced in our approach to rules of behavior and followed through, everyone would be a bit happier.
And yes, there is an exception to every rule, but the rules need to be there and adhered to as they are the foundation for knowing your world and what to expect in various situations. We learn that a red light at an intersection means for people to stop; the consequences of ignoring this rule can be tragic.
So, teach your children about the rules of the world and how the general society expects them to act while in the world. Give them clearly defined expectations and explain why they are important. Then provide them with the consequences of not adhering to the rules. With older children, you can include them in this process. Some kids actually dole out more harsh punishments then you will and it does help you when they do have to accept the consequences as you say to them; “well, this was your choice” Because, isn’t that what life is about, choices? We all have more choices then we realize and this is a great beginning to teaching your child how to make the best choices for them.
Remember, that if you are asking them to do something, it needs to be something you will do yourself. They are mirrors of ourselves and they will call you on your expectations if you don’t follow through. And yes, there are those things that fall into the “adult” only category, but you need to explain that to your children. If you want your children to be honest and behave well then you have to show them the way.
Children look to us to provide structure to their world; otherwise it can seem chaotic and downright scary. Even those grumpy teenagers are hoping you will rein them in when they don’t have the courage to do so themselves; they just can’t admit it readily.
So, what kind of behavior do you want from your kid? Think about this: How do you want them to behave at home? At school? In public? Do you want them to be a productive member of society or a social outcast? In order for them to behave well and or appropriately, you have to give the guidelines. Don’t expect them to just know these things, they are kids; the little ones don’t know anything unless they are taught and the older one’s may not fully understand what is expected from them. Just because they are as tall as you, does not mean they know as much as you (oh, they will think so, but we know the truth) Remember, they are looking to you for guidance: Say what you mean, mean what you say and let YOUR actions show them the way.
Decide what your house rules are and make sure everyone knows them and the consequences of breaking them. And then, this is important: FOLLOW YOUR OWN RULES. Be consistent with the consequences and don’t back down. There are rules all around us for the rest of our lives, and the testing ground is home.
So, if you tell your children that stealing is wrong, and they watch you at the grocery checkout not pay for an item or two that the checker missed, you are sending a mixed message and it is bound to cause confusion. Now we all know about ‘finder’s keepers’ and the like, but just as with little white lies, it’s still stealing and it’s still lying. I do not know many kids or adults who like the double standard, especially when they are on the losing end. Maybe if we all tried to be a bit more practiced in our approach to rules of behavior and followed through, everyone would be a bit happier.
And yes, there is an exception to every rule, but the rules need to be there and adhered to as they are the foundation for knowing your world and what to expect in various situations. We learn that a red light at an intersection means for people to stop; the consequences of ignoring this rule can be tragic.
So, teach your children about the rules of the world and how the general society expects them to act while in the world. Give them clearly defined expectations and explain why they are important. Then provide them with the consequences of not adhering to the rules. With older children, you can include them in this process. Some kids actually dole out more harsh punishments then you will and it does help you when they do have to accept the consequences as you say to them; “well, this was your choice” Because, isn’t that what life is about, choices? We all have more choices then we realize and this is a great beginning to teaching your child how to make the best choices for them.
Remember, that if you are asking them to do something, it needs to be something you will do yourself. They are mirrors of ourselves and they will call you on your expectations if you don’t follow through. And yes, there are those things that fall into the “adult” only category, but you need to explain that to your children. If you want your children to be honest and behave well then you have to show them the way.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Yelling is Not Communication
Well, this one would appear to be a no brainer. While it seems at time we are nation of yellers, yelling is not about communicating, it’s about power & control. Yelling is a manipulative technique to try and coerce someone into backing down. Yelling is about bullying someone into submission. It really serves no sensible purpose and it will surely send your child to Johnny down the road, or a cult to get what they need.
As soon as you start yelling, they stop listening. We cannot be surprised by this. Even as adults, we try yelling; in the senate, at sports events, in meetings...It’s as if we think that yelling gets our point across better or that people actually listen to a red faced angry person. While I do not discount anger, one is better served to bring forth concerns with a somewhat reasonable tone if they wish to be heard and taken seriously. Do I think this is right, not particularly as anger or frustration is a byproduct of a need not being met, so maybe we need to take the anger and tone into consideration, realizing it means something to the person voicing their concerns? It has been my experience that the angrier a person appears, can also mean that the issue is quite important to them. The trick is to figure out which one it is.
As parents, we have to realize that our children are ruled by multiple stimuli from their environment, TV, peers and their own internal fears, oh and don’t forget, hormones. This is a recipie for one crazy making interaction between you and your children with lots of yelling and drama for all. However, if you remember that you and your children are at different stages in life and the pressures they are living with (you lived with the same ones when you were young) are real to them, you will find that you can communicate with your child from a position of understanding and support rather than manipulation, control and anger.
So, when confronted with a volatile situation with your child, take a breath, and then say what you want to say calmly, so they can hear it. Now realize that you will have to give them a chance to speak their mind too. Trust me, you will both get more out of the interchange this way. Remember, that they have to abide by the same rules that you have just modeled: speak slowly and clearly and you will not interrupt. This is also known as active listening. This is something that will serve you and your children in all of your social interaction whether it is your spouse, parents or co-workers.
Time outs are also a good for calming down, you and or your kids. I love the IKEA commercial where the mother states, it’s time for a time out and she retreats to her room leaving two puzzled (and quiet) young children in the living room. Don’t forget the dark chocolate!
As soon as you start yelling, they stop listening. We cannot be surprised by this. Even as adults, we try yelling; in the senate, at sports events, in meetings...It’s as if we think that yelling gets our point across better or that people actually listen to a red faced angry person. While I do not discount anger, one is better served to bring forth concerns with a somewhat reasonable tone if they wish to be heard and taken seriously. Do I think this is right, not particularly as anger or frustration is a byproduct of a need not being met, so maybe we need to take the anger and tone into consideration, realizing it means something to the person voicing their concerns? It has been my experience that the angrier a person appears, can also mean that the issue is quite important to them. The trick is to figure out which one it is.
As parents, we have to realize that our children are ruled by multiple stimuli from their environment, TV, peers and their own internal fears, oh and don’t forget, hormones. This is a recipie for one crazy making interaction between you and your children with lots of yelling and drama for all. However, if you remember that you and your children are at different stages in life and the pressures they are living with (you lived with the same ones when you were young) are real to them, you will find that you can communicate with your child from a position of understanding and support rather than manipulation, control and anger.
So, when confronted with a volatile situation with your child, take a breath, and then say what you want to say calmly, so they can hear it. Now realize that you will have to give them a chance to speak their mind too. Trust me, you will both get more out of the interchange this way. Remember, that they have to abide by the same rules that you have just modeled: speak slowly and clearly and you will not interrupt. This is also known as active listening. This is something that will serve you and your children in all of your social interaction whether it is your spouse, parents or co-workers.
Time outs are also a good for calming down, you and or your kids. I love the IKEA commercial where the mother states, it’s time for a time out and she retreats to her room leaving two puzzled (and quiet) young children in the living room. Don’t forget the dark chocolate!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Encourage them and their dreams
Hello, boy, it has been a busy few weeks and I seemed to have fallen off the blogging path. So many things came up between work and family that I just couldn't get to my blog. I'm sure we all know the turmoil of too much happenning at the same time and priorities needing to be shifted for a bit. But mayhem has been managed and I can get back to the task of writing about how to make parenting more fun for you, your spouse and your kids.
So, onward to Encourage them and their dreams....
Do you remember when you were a kid and dreamt of being a movie star, a sports hero, the president or a daredevil or a rock star? We all had such dreams as children, fantasizing about being just like our heroes. At that moment in time, those dreams were a real as they could be. One could spend hours thinking about how they would sink the winning basket, or hitthe walk off home run. Or maybe your were thinking what your acceptance speech would be at the Oscars, or when you won the Nobel Prize. Whatever your dreams were, they were tangible and gave you something to strive for, something important you wanted to attain and at that time, everything seemed possible.
But then people told you dreams are silly, a waste of time, you could never really expect to be all that and slowly you stopped dreaming and got down to being practical, because practical is best, it is safe and it is expected by many of us in today’s world. Many of us look back with amusement on some of the dreams we held as children. I for one, wanted to be like Mahatma Gandhi, yeah, not sure where that came from, but I wanted to help people make the world a better place. Oh, and I wanted to be a great actress once.
Dreams play an important role in our lives. Everyone needs to dream to stretch our minds to the infinite possibilities in the universe. What if the Wright brothers had not had the dream of flight? What if they allowed naysayers to stop them from believing that man could fly. Most childhood dreams are transitory, a fleeting fancy of the latest fad, but even those dreams provide an opportunity to learn and grow and for you as a parent to encourage and support your child in delving into their own desires.
How cool would it be to actually live your dreams, to have a life that truly inspires you and brings you joy and satisfaction? Is that not what we are looking for in this life, to be happy and find our purpose? When your children talk of their dreams and aspirations, don’t be so quick to negate them, ask them questions about their dreams; have them research their dreams and see what it entails to make them come true. If it’s a phase it will pass, but if you’re supportive, you can both have some fun and maybe learn something new about yourself and your child.
Sounds like a win - win situation to me.
So, onward to Encourage them and their dreams....
Do you remember when you were a kid and dreamt of being a movie star, a sports hero, the president or a daredevil or a rock star? We all had such dreams as children, fantasizing about being just like our heroes. At that moment in time, those dreams were a real as they could be. One could spend hours thinking about how they would sink the winning basket, or hitthe walk off home run. Or maybe your were thinking what your acceptance speech would be at the Oscars, or when you won the Nobel Prize. Whatever your dreams were, they were tangible and gave you something to strive for, something important you wanted to attain and at that time, everything seemed possible.
But then people told you dreams are silly, a waste of time, you could never really expect to be all that and slowly you stopped dreaming and got down to being practical, because practical is best, it is safe and it is expected by many of us in today’s world. Many of us look back with amusement on some of the dreams we held as children. I for one, wanted to be like Mahatma Gandhi, yeah, not sure where that came from, but I wanted to help people make the world a better place. Oh, and I wanted to be a great actress once.
Dreams play an important role in our lives. Everyone needs to dream to stretch our minds to the infinite possibilities in the universe. What if the Wright brothers had not had the dream of flight? What if they allowed naysayers to stop them from believing that man could fly. Most childhood dreams are transitory, a fleeting fancy of the latest fad, but even those dreams provide an opportunity to learn and grow and for you as a parent to encourage and support your child in delving into their own desires.
How cool would it be to actually live your dreams, to have a life that truly inspires you and brings you joy and satisfaction? Is that not what we are looking for in this life, to be happy and find our purpose? When your children talk of their dreams and aspirations, don’t be so quick to negate them, ask them questions about their dreams; have them research their dreams and see what it entails to make them come true. If it’s a phase it will pass, but if you’re supportive, you can both have some fun and maybe learn something new about yourself and your child.
Sounds like a win - win situation to me.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Ways we invalidate others
It would seem that on the whole we have become a nation that invalidates. The young child who is afraid to take a test and is told, “Don’t be silly” or “your just being silly” is a case in point. While the case may be that they are overreacting to taking the test, for them the fear is real and to negate it can make a child feel worse about themselves not better. Think about it, on top of feeling afraid, now they are being told that they are silly too. In our efforts to make our children feel better, we may be doing the opposite.
So, what does one say to a child who is experiencing fear or anxiety? First, you acknowledge the fear and then help them break it down into its components so that they can understand what is really driving the fear. Fear has three components: The subjective experience of apprehension; the associated psychological changes and the attempts to escape the situation. Ranchman, S. J. (1990). Fear and courage - Second edition. New York: W. H. Freeman and Company.
A person’s subjective experience is how that individual processes their environment. That is why we all have different emotions regarding the same or similar situations. Emotions are colored by our prior experiences, age, learning and our level of coping mechanisms. Think of how and why we grow out of childhood fears.
Psychological changes are each person’s distinctive reaction to what is going on in one’s life. Again, children respond differently emotionally than do adults. To tell them to grow up is impossible and unfair, they are where they are and can’t move forward because you think they should. But, as a parent, you can listen, acknowledge their emotions and help them to see how they work for and against them depending on the situation. (Don’t always expect this to be easy) It will go a long way to making them feel validated and provide them the internal courage to face their fears and excel in spite of them. Is that not what we all wish for?
Your child comes to you afraid they are going to flunk a test at school. What do you do? Acknoweldge the fear and then explore with them in a non-judgmental manner where they feel the fear comes from. If it’s because they did not study, well the fear is warranted due to their lack of preparation. This is where logical consequences come in…you don’t study enough, you run the risk of flunking. Solution; next time, put in the appropriate amount of studying.
The idea is to allow your child to feel their emotions: anger, fear, joy, sorrow to name a few. Emotions are a complex part of our lives and more issues arise from people not feeling heard or validated in how they feel. While the feelings may not always be warranted, they are real and it makes sense to deal with them to a positive outcome then to stuff them down for fear of sharing.
So, what does one say to a child who is experiencing fear or anxiety? First, you acknowledge the fear and then help them break it down into its components so that they can understand what is really driving the fear. Fear has three components: The subjective experience of apprehension; the associated psychological changes and the attempts to escape the situation. Ranchman, S. J. (1990). Fear and courage - Second edition. New York: W. H. Freeman and Company.
A person’s subjective experience is how that individual processes their environment. That is why we all have different emotions regarding the same or similar situations. Emotions are colored by our prior experiences, age, learning and our level of coping mechanisms. Think of how and why we grow out of childhood fears.
Psychological changes are each person’s distinctive reaction to what is going on in one’s life. Again, children respond differently emotionally than do adults. To tell them to grow up is impossible and unfair, they are where they are and can’t move forward because you think they should. But, as a parent, you can listen, acknowledge their emotions and help them to see how they work for and against them depending on the situation. (Don’t always expect this to be easy) It will go a long way to making them feel validated and provide them the internal courage to face their fears and excel in spite of them. Is that not what we all wish for?
Your child comes to you afraid they are going to flunk a test at school. What do you do? Acknoweldge the fear and then explore with them in a non-judgmental manner where they feel the fear comes from. If it’s because they did not study, well the fear is warranted due to their lack of preparation. This is where logical consequences come in…you don’t study enough, you run the risk of flunking. Solution; next time, put in the appropriate amount of studying.
The idea is to allow your child to feel their emotions: anger, fear, joy, sorrow to name a few. Emotions are a complex part of our lives and more issues arise from people not feeling heard or validated in how they feel. While the feelings may not always be warranted, they are real and it makes sense to deal with them to a positive outcome then to stuff them down for fear of sharing.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Validate them and their feelings
Feelings or emotions are a rather strong component of being human. We all feel what we feel regardles of whether we want to at times. Telling someone their feelings are wrong, silly or unwarranted does not make the feelings go away, it just makes that person feel, unheard, unloved and invalidated.
We all have feelings, things that affect us in many ways – It’s safe to say that everyone experiences life from their own unique perspective (this is affected by each person’s past experience, personality and gender to name a few)
Feelings are not necessarily right or wrong, they just are what they are. Try to stop an emotion from welling up, it’s not easy. (Holding back tears of sadness or joy; stifling a cry of rage) We’ve all done it, or tried to do it at least a couple of times. We all know that feelings can be one of the biggest barriers to communication. Understanding feelings and how it can affect our interactions is crucial to having a better relationship with your children, or anyone for that matter.
At times, we don’t seem to know what to make of our feelings as adults, so why do we jump so quickly to suppress our children’s feelings. As parents, we need to help our children understand and work through their feelings (especially those which cause pain, or confusion) and come up with workable solutions if they are warranted. And sometimes we need to just hold them and let them feel what they feel in the safety of our loving embrace.
When dealing with your children’s feelings, it is best to choose words that embody encouragement, understanding and compassion rather than words that negate or belittle or invalidate what they are experiencing. As a parent, of course you want them to feel good, but ignoring their emotions no matter how noble the reason, does your child little good in the long run. Denial is more than just a river in Eqypt.
Help them face their feelings and work through them. Your child will talk to you more and seek your counsel if you listen to them and help them navigate their emotions not wallow in them or deny them completely. Validate their feelings, accept them for what they are and help them to learn how to figure things out for themselves. (You won’t always be there to help, don’t leave them stranded without the tools to figure life out for themselves).
Next: ways we invalidate others.
We all have feelings, things that affect us in many ways – It’s safe to say that everyone experiences life from their own unique perspective (this is affected by each person’s past experience, personality and gender to name a few)
Feelings are not necessarily right or wrong, they just are what they are. Try to stop an emotion from welling up, it’s not easy. (Holding back tears of sadness or joy; stifling a cry of rage) We’ve all done it, or tried to do it at least a couple of times. We all know that feelings can be one of the biggest barriers to communication. Understanding feelings and how it can affect our interactions is crucial to having a better relationship with your children, or anyone for that matter.
At times, we don’t seem to know what to make of our feelings as adults, so why do we jump so quickly to suppress our children’s feelings. As parents, we need to help our children understand and work through their feelings (especially those which cause pain, or confusion) and come up with workable solutions if they are warranted. And sometimes we need to just hold them and let them feel what they feel in the safety of our loving embrace.
When dealing with your children’s feelings, it is best to choose words that embody encouragement, understanding and compassion rather than words that negate or belittle or invalidate what they are experiencing. As a parent, of course you want them to feel good, but ignoring their emotions no matter how noble the reason, does your child little good in the long run. Denial is more than just a river in Eqypt.
Help them face their feelings and work through them. Your child will talk to you more and seek your counsel if you listen to them and help them navigate their emotions not wallow in them or deny them completely. Validate their feelings, accept them for what they are and help them to learn how to figure things out for themselves. (You won’t always be there to help, don’t leave them stranded without the tools to figure life out for themselves).
Next: ways we invalidate others.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Observe Your Own Behavior
Learning is not just accomplished in the classroom. Children are learning all the time and not just when we are teaching them. In fact they are probably learning more when we are not paying attention. Children mirror our behaviors, so before you criticize, make sure you’re not the source of the behavior.
How many of us remember wanting to be just like mom or dad only to be chastised when we did something they do. Some of you reading this may well remember the gum sticks in the shapes of cigarettes. Hard to believe they every sold such an item today. Children do learn what they live, so you need to think about what are they learning living with you. You have heard, “you are what you eat”…well your children are in part what you model. So, if there are behaviors you do not like in your children, step back and see if your child is mimicking you. This is a tough one; it is not easy to admit that your behavior is being reflected back at you in a not so positive light. But you need to remember this; all behavior is learned. The trick is to find where the unwanted behavior comes from and go back to that point and effect change.
There is of course the old standby, discipline etc, but to truly change behavior, one must go to where the behavior originated. Trying to change or stop behaviors without looking at their origin is like trying to stop internal bleeding without looking for the cause. Band-Aids only work so long. Trying to change behavior will take time and patience, but it can be done. The payoff is worth the effort.
What we know:
Telling your kids to behave when you are not just destroys your credibility. Do as I say, not as I do does not always work. You can’t really get mad at your kids bad behavior if it mirrors your own. Two sets of rules will not resonate with them. “Because I’m an adult” only works in so many situations. I know my father’s favorite line; “Do as I say, not as I do” did not do much for us as kids.
Children live what the learn
If they see you do it, they will too.
They are in as sense mirrors of ourselves, the good the bad and the ugly….
So, the misbehavior you dislike may be your own
Most behavior is learned through observation and listening; what are you teaching your child?
Say what you mean, mean what you say and think about what your actions convey.
How many of us remember wanting to be just like mom or dad only to be chastised when we did something they do. Some of you reading this may well remember the gum sticks in the shapes of cigarettes. Hard to believe they every sold such an item today. Children do learn what they live, so you need to think about what are they learning living with you. You have heard, “you are what you eat”…well your children are in part what you model. So, if there are behaviors you do not like in your children, step back and see if your child is mimicking you. This is a tough one; it is not easy to admit that your behavior is being reflected back at you in a not so positive light. But you need to remember this; all behavior is learned. The trick is to find where the unwanted behavior comes from and go back to that point and effect change.
There is of course the old standby, discipline etc, but to truly change behavior, one must go to where the behavior originated. Trying to change or stop behaviors without looking at their origin is like trying to stop internal bleeding without looking for the cause. Band-Aids only work so long. Trying to change behavior will take time and patience, but it can be done. The payoff is worth the effort.
What we know:
Telling your kids to behave when you are not just destroys your credibility. Do as I say, not as I do does not always work. You can’t really get mad at your kids bad behavior if it mirrors your own. Two sets of rules will not resonate with them. “Because I’m an adult” only works in so many situations. I know my father’s favorite line; “Do as I say, not as I do” did not do much for us as kids.
Children live what the learn
If they see you do it, they will too.
They are in as sense mirrors of ourselves, the good the bad and the ugly….
So, the misbehavior you dislike may be your own
Most behavior is learned through observation and listening; what are you teaching your child?
Say what you mean, mean what you say and think about what your actions convey.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Listening is an integral part of communication which is the foundation for all relationships in your life.
Picking up where I left off last time. If you don’t listen to your kids (modeling) how are they to learn how to listen to you and other people in their lives.
What does it mean to listen?
It’s not enough to just be there, you have to be present.
Listening is about taking in someone’s else’s words, understanding, and respecting those feelings that are being conveyed to you by another through words.
Kids know when your really listening and they know when they are being heard. Listening to your kids does not mean you agree with them or that you give in; it shows you respect them enough to hear what they have to say. This is important if you want them to return the favor and listen to you. (See Observe your Own Behavior)
Reciprocity. Live it, reap the benefits. .
Listening is an integral part of communication
Some things that get in the way of listening
Anger
Depression
Stress
Anxiety
Past experience
Expectations
These factors can be both positive and negative
Breaking down the barriers to listening
Be aware of your barriers
Using “I” statements is about taking responsibility for your own feelings and conveying to others how your feeling about something, not that they made you feel this way.
We do have a choice, and again, no one can truly make you feel anything without your buy in.
When your at odds, with your teen, instead of blaming, ask “What can we do so that we get closer to what we both want?”
Discuss the situation from a problem solving point of view – (hint) the problem is the dirty room or what ever issue your dealing with, not your child. This is not weakness or giving in, it’s teaching kids how to resolve issues without resorting to blame, blackmail or badmouthing.
Thoughts to consider:
If you can’t hold your tongue during this discussion, try sitting on your hands or get a piece of paper and write thoughts down as they come up, but don’t interrupt, you’ll have your say. Let them finish. Then they have to let you finish(modeling).
Did I mention that this is a reciprocal relationship? It’s not a competition, It’s called Communicating.
Kids learn how to argue somewhere . . . . . . . .
What does it mean to listen?
It’s not enough to just be there, you have to be present.
Listening is about taking in someone’s else’s words, understanding, and respecting those feelings that are being conveyed to you by another through words.
Kids know when your really listening and they know when they are being heard. Listening to your kids does not mean you agree with them or that you give in; it shows you respect them enough to hear what they have to say. This is important if you want them to return the favor and listen to you. (See Observe your Own Behavior)
Reciprocity. Live it, reap the benefits. .
Listening is an integral part of communication
Some things that get in the way of listening
Anger
Depression
Stress
Anxiety
Past experience
Expectations
These factors can be both positive and negative
Breaking down the barriers to listening
Be aware of your barriers
Using “I” statements is about taking responsibility for your own feelings and conveying to others how your feeling about something, not that they made you feel this way.
We do have a choice, and again, no one can truly make you feel anything without your buy in.
When your at odds, with your teen, instead of blaming, ask “What can we do so that we get closer to what we both want?”
Discuss the situation from a problem solving point of view – (hint) the problem is the dirty room or what ever issue your dealing with, not your child. This is not weakness or giving in, it’s teaching kids how to resolve issues without resorting to blame, blackmail or badmouthing.
Thoughts to consider:
If you can’t hold your tongue during this discussion, try sitting on your hands or get a piece of paper and write thoughts down as they come up, but don’t interrupt, you’ll have your say. Let them finish. Then they have to let you finish(modeling).
Did I mention that this is a reciprocal relationship? It’s not a competition, It’s called Communicating.
Kids learn how to argue somewhere . . . . . . . .
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Listen
I think it is very appropriate that Listen is the first concept in the 12 ways to Love Your Kids. Listening is vital to any and all of our relationships and I think quite a few would agree we do not always listen as well as we could or should.
Let's talk about the difference between "hearing" and "listening". To hear means to perceive, put simply you hear the rain, though there are those of us who do like to listen to the rain. However, to listen is to pay attention; to hear with thoughtful attention. Listening requires that you are present and attending to and processing what is being said by the other person. How many of us can say we practice this on a daily basis. Tuning out seems to be a much easier approach in a world where sensory overload is a daily occurrence. Reading the paper or watching the news while "talking" with your children is not listening. Listening, really listening to someone takes active participation, In other words, you need to be present both physically and mentally. To me, listening shows respect, caring and consideration of someone else's feelings, which helps to validate that person, but that's another topic.
As parents we have to remember that how we perceive things and how our children perceive the same things are very different. Children have not reached our level of learning and therefore cannot really be expected to understand the adult point of view. My mentor, Ken Breslin, PhD named his child psychology practice A Child's Point of View for that very reason. If as parents we talk to and listen to our children keeping this in mind, we will have a greater understanding of their emotions and resulting actions. Now when they get older, understanding their point of view does not mean you agree or that they get whatever they want, but I can assure you that a child who feels as though you really listened to them will be more prone to come to you for help than the cool juvenile delinquent down the street. Who do you want your child to "listen" to? When I was a middle school counselor one of the things the kids said they liked about my approach was I did listen to their thoughts and arguments and explained why I agreed or did not agree with them. They actually do want to talk, but being ridiculed or ignored is the quickest way to shut a kid down.
Some things that get in the way of listening are moods, past experiences, stress levels and age to name a few. If you are in a bad mood and stressed out, it is probably not a good time to have a heart to heart with your kid. This goes for any relationship in your life when you think about it. Over time, I have found that the principals in Love Your Kids will work throughout your entire life, in your intimate relationships and in the work place.
When talking and listening to your kids, remember to use and teach “I” messages; this is taking responsibility for one’s feelings and not going to the blame game. No one can make you feel anything without your permission. Saying “ I get frustrated when you don’t do your chores” is a better place to start then “you never do anything”; “ why can’t you do anything right”. Which sounds more respectful to you? Remember, we teach our children how to be by our words and our actions.
Let's talk about the difference between "hearing" and "listening". To hear means to perceive, put simply you hear the rain, though there are those of us who do like to listen to the rain. However, to listen is to pay attention; to hear with thoughtful attention. Listening requires that you are present and attending to and processing what is being said by the other person. How many of us can say we practice this on a daily basis. Tuning out seems to be a much easier approach in a world where sensory overload is a daily occurrence. Reading the paper or watching the news while "talking" with your children is not listening. Listening, really listening to someone takes active participation, In other words, you need to be present both physically and mentally. To me, listening shows respect, caring and consideration of someone else's feelings, which helps to validate that person, but that's another topic.
As parents we have to remember that how we perceive things and how our children perceive the same things are very different. Children have not reached our level of learning and therefore cannot really be expected to understand the adult point of view. My mentor, Ken Breslin, PhD named his child psychology practice A Child's Point of View for that very reason. If as parents we talk to and listen to our children keeping this in mind, we will have a greater understanding of their emotions and resulting actions. Now when they get older, understanding their point of view does not mean you agree or that they get whatever they want, but I can assure you that a child who feels as though you really listened to them will be more prone to come to you for help than the cool juvenile delinquent down the street. Who do you want your child to "listen" to? When I was a middle school counselor one of the things the kids said they liked about my approach was I did listen to their thoughts and arguments and explained why I agreed or did not agree with them. They actually do want to talk, but being ridiculed or ignored is the quickest way to shut a kid down.
Some things that get in the way of listening are moods, past experiences, stress levels and age to name a few. If you are in a bad mood and stressed out, it is probably not a good time to have a heart to heart with your kid. This goes for any relationship in your life when you think about it. Over time, I have found that the principals in Love Your Kids will work throughout your entire life, in your intimate relationships and in the work place.
When talking and listening to your kids, remember to use and teach “I” messages; this is taking responsibility for one’s feelings and not going to the blame game. No one can make you feel anything without your permission. Saying “ I get frustrated when you don’t do your chores” is a better place to start then “you never do anything”; “ why can’t you do anything right”. Which sounds more respectful to you? Remember, we teach our children how to be by our words and our actions.
Monday, July 6, 2009
So, it’s been a busy week, meant to get back to this sooner, but life has a way of diverting you from what you want to do to what you need to do. But the good news is you can always pick up where you left off. So, where were we? Ah, Love Your Kids, Take Care of Yourself. You might ask where this came from. It came about while I was completing my Master’s Thesis on Violence Prevention in Middle Schools. What I found is that by the time kids reach middle school, there is a whole lot of conditioning that has to be undone. So, I thought why not start early and teach children what they need to know from the start. Love Your Kids is a foundation for parenting. It is not a catchall or a panacea, it is a place to start that works across all socio-economic, cultural and ethnic backgrounds. We all want to raise happy healthy kids and not lose ourselves in the process, don’t we?
Each letter in Love Your Kids relates to a different principal of parenting. Of course, one could come up with more, but again, this is the foundation; you build the rest with your family.
Listen – We could all stand to do more of this and yes, there is a difference between hearing and Listening.
Observe your own behavior – Children learn what they live, what are your actions teaching them/
Validate them and their feelings– As social beings, we are all seeking validation from others, family is the first source. If done well, your child will learn to validate themselves from within.
Encourage them and their dreams – seems simple, but too often parents scoff at childhood dreams. If people did not dare to dream, we would not have airplanes and cures for disease.
Yelling is not communication – enough said, for now.
Obey your own rules – Credibility comes from your actions following your words.
Unconditional Love – They need to know they are more important than anything they do.
Respect, Responsibility – Teach it! Model it!
Kiss them – LOTS Everyone needs to feel loved and accepted and special.
Inspire Integrity – teach children to strive to be the best they can be and do be honorable in all that they do.
Discipline – Consistently, fairly and with love.
Savor each moment – They grow up too soon!
Coming up – What does it mean to really Listen.
Each letter in Love Your Kids relates to a different principal of parenting. Of course, one could come up with more, but again, this is the foundation; you build the rest with your family.
Listen – We could all stand to do more of this and yes, there is a difference between hearing and Listening.
Observe your own behavior – Children learn what they live, what are your actions teaching them/
Validate them and their feelings– As social beings, we are all seeking validation from others, family is the first source. If done well, your child will learn to validate themselves from within.
Encourage them and their dreams – seems simple, but too often parents scoff at childhood dreams. If people did not dare to dream, we would not have airplanes and cures for disease.
Yelling is not communication – enough said, for now.
Obey your own rules – Credibility comes from your actions following your words.
Unconditional Love – They need to know they are more important than anything they do.
Respect, Responsibility – Teach it! Model it!
Kiss them – LOTS Everyone needs to feel loved and accepted and special.
Inspire Integrity – teach children to strive to be the best they can be and do be honorable in all that they do.
Discipline – Consistently, fairly and with love.
Savor each moment – They grow up too soon!
Coming up – What does it mean to really Listen.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
The Job of Parenting
Welcome to the toughest job you'll every love, overall. This blog and it's content is designed to provide a foundation for parents to build upon so that they can help their children become the best they can be, while maintaining your sanity, your life and ultimately your relationship with your child. No, it won't be easy, but then again anything worthwhile never is.
Love your Kids; seems simple doesn't it? It's why you have kids in the first place isn't it? Your parents never mention that having kids is a huge responsibility, a 24/7 commitment to the health and well being of another person who will not always be the cute little minion you expect them to be.
What it boils down to is that parenting is a labor of Love and children are the product of that labor (yes, that is the fun part). As with any living thing, you need to begin with a strong base, lots of nurturing, sunlight, opportunity and guidance so that they can stand on their own one day. Really, isn't that the goal, to see our kids thrive, live, love, achieve and ultimately be happy.
Life is the ultimate balancing act. There is so much going on in our lives, we are ruled by our cell phones and planners. Children, however, require a little more personal attention. So, how does one balance the needs of onself, ones' spouse, children, career, family, friends, shopping ...the list goes on. LOVE YOUR KIDS is a plan to help take some of the stress out of parenting.
Coming next, the twelve ways to LOVE YOUR KIDS. These simple ideas when used consistently bring more peace and joy to the time you spend with your kids.
Love your Kids; seems simple doesn't it? It's why you have kids in the first place isn't it? Your parents never mention that having kids is a huge responsibility, a 24/7 commitment to the health and well being of another person who will not always be the cute little minion you expect them to be.
What it boils down to is that parenting is a labor of Love and children are the product of that labor (yes, that is the fun part). As with any living thing, you need to begin with a strong base, lots of nurturing, sunlight, opportunity and guidance so that they can stand on their own one day. Really, isn't that the goal, to see our kids thrive, live, love, achieve and ultimately be happy.
Life is the ultimate balancing act. There is so much going on in our lives, we are ruled by our cell phones and planners. Children, however, require a little more personal attention. So, how does one balance the needs of onself, ones' spouse, children, career, family, friends, shopping ...the list goes on. LOVE YOUR KIDS is a plan to help take some of the stress out of parenting.
Coming next, the twelve ways to LOVE YOUR KIDS. These simple ideas when used consistently bring more peace and joy to the time you spend with your kids.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
I am going to begin with an intro to this parenting blog and then introduce you to the twelve ways to LOVE YOUR KIDS. I began this journey over 13 years ago and have tried to adhere to the values and principles put forth in the raising of my son and the work I do with foster children. I am a single mom and my son, now 16 is growing into a wonderful young man. He just received his Eagle Scout (and for those who do not know, only 1-2% of scouts reach this level) Yes, I am a very proud Mama. But more importantly, my son, at 16 is kind, strong minded, (we’re working on the open minded part, but hey, at 16 how many kids are open minded about anything). He has a moral compass; he is polite, helps around the house and is respectful to his mother more often than not. We have a good time just hanging out, have some fights but always come out of them with a stronger bond than one could imagine. I have to say he is smarter than me and just like me, so those fights at times are like arguing with myself, but he is better at than me. But we have great talks too; about life, love, sex, drugs and yeah, I’m going to say it, Rock n Roll. When your kid is listening to same music you did in high school how could you not have this conversation. Maybe that is why, by chance the first letter in LOVE YOUR KIDS stands for Listen. If there is one thing I know for sure is there is not enough listening going on in this world. Oh, we hear a lot, but we don’t listen very well. But I digress, that lesson will come soon enough.
So, where were we? Ah, children, your children, this blog and why you need to read it. Love your kids; seems simple doesn't it? It’s the reason you had kids in the first place isn’t it. Ok, in a perfect world, perhaps, but no matter how we become parents, we want to do it right, not make the mistakes our parents made. We want to love them and hug them and make them our own. But we forget that, just as puppies grow noses, kids grow attitudes and become opinionated individuals when you least expect it and at the most inconvenient of times.
Love Your Kids is a back to basic approach to parenting and taking care of yourself in the process. You will find that your kids, overall will be much more enjoyable to be around and your own life will not have fallen off the map in order to sacrifice your life for theirs. You can have it all, but it requires a little forethought and effort on your part, but the outcome is well worth it. Remember, some day, your children may be taking care of you. You want to have confidence in their abilities don't you?
So, where were we? Ah, children, your children, this blog and why you need to read it. Love your kids; seems simple doesn't it? It’s the reason you had kids in the first place isn’t it. Ok, in a perfect world, perhaps, but no matter how we become parents, we want to do it right, not make the mistakes our parents made. We want to love them and hug them and make them our own. But we forget that, just as puppies grow noses, kids grow attitudes and become opinionated individuals when you least expect it and at the most inconvenient of times.
Love Your Kids is a back to basic approach to parenting and taking care of yourself in the process. You will find that your kids, overall will be much more enjoyable to be around and your own life will not have fallen off the map in order to sacrifice your life for theirs. You can have it all, but it requires a little forethought and effort on your part, but the outcome is well worth it. Remember, some day, your children may be taking care of you. You want to have confidence in their abilities don't you?
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