Ways we invalidate others

It would seem that on the whole we have become a nation that invalidates. The young child who is afraid to take a test and is told, “Don’t be silly” or “your just being silly” is a case in point. While the case may be that they are overreacting to taking the test, for them the fear is real and to negate it can make a child feel worse about themselves not better. Think about it, on top of feeling afraid, now they are being told that they are silly too. In our efforts to make our children feel better, we may be doing the opposite.
So, what does one say to a child who is experiencing fear or anxiety? First, you acknowledge the fear and then help them break it down into its components so that they can understand what is really driving the fear. Fear has three components: The subjective experience of apprehension; the associated psychological changes and the attempts to escape the situation. Ranchman, S. J. (1990). Fear and courage - Second edition. New York: W. H. Freeman and Company.

A person’s subjective experience is how that individual processes their environment. That is why we all have different emotions regarding the same or similar situations. Emotions are colored by our prior experiences, age, learning and our level of coping mechanisms. Think of how and why we grow out of childhood fears.
Psychological changes are each person’s distinctive reaction to what is going on in one’s life. Again, children respond differently emotionally than do adults. To tell them to grow up is impossible and unfair, they are where they are and can’t move forward because you think they should. But, as a parent, you can listen, acknowledge their emotions and help them to see how they work for and against them depending on the situation. (Don’t always expect this to be easy) It will go a long way to making them feel validated and provide them the internal courage to face their fears and excel in spite of them. Is that not what we all wish for?

Your child comes to you afraid they are going to flunk a test at school. What do you do? Acknoweldge the fear and then explore with them in a non-judgmental manner where they feel the fear comes from. If it’s because they did not study, well the fear is warranted due to their lack of preparation. This is where logical consequences come in…you don’t study enough, you run the risk of flunking. Solution; next time, put in the appropriate amount of studying.

The idea is to allow your child to feel their emotions: anger, fear, joy, sorrow to name a few. Emotions are a complex part of our lives and more issues arise from people not feeling heard or validated in how they feel. While the feelings may not always be warranted, they are real and it makes sense to deal with them to a positive outcome then to stuff them down for fear of sharing.