Obey Your Own Rules

They say that children learn what they live. So, what are you teaching them? This principle is similar to “observe your own behavior” in that what our children learn and how they proceed through the world begins with what we teach through our own behavior and our expectations of their behavior. Or, in other words, the rules we teach.

Children look to us to provide structure to their world; otherwise it can seem chaotic and downright scary. Even those grumpy teenagers are hoping you will rein them in when they don’t have the courage to do so themselves; they just can’t admit it readily.

So, what kind of behavior do you want from your kid? Think about this: How do you want them to behave at home? At school? In public? Do you want them to be a productive member of society or a social outcast? In order for them to behave well and or appropriately, you have to give the guidelines. Don’t expect them to just know these things, they are kids; the little ones don’t know anything unless they are taught and the older one’s may not fully understand what is expected from them. Just because they are as tall as you, does not mean they know as much as you (oh, they will think so, but we know the truth) Remember, they are looking to you for guidance: Say what you mean, mean what you say and let YOUR actions show them the way.

Decide what your house rules are and make sure everyone knows them and the consequences of breaking them. And then, this is important: FOLLOW YOUR OWN RULES. Be consistent with the consequences and don’t back down. There are rules all around us for the rest of our lives, and the testing ground is home.

So, if you tell your children that stealing is wrong, and they watch you at the grocery checkout not pay for an item or two that the checker missed, you are sending a mixed message and it is bound to cause confusion. Now we all know about ‘finder’s keepers’ and the like, but just as with little white lies, it’s still stealing and it’s still lying. I do not know many kids or adults who like the double standard, especially when they are on the losing end. Maybe if we all tried to be a bit more practiced in our approach to rules of behavior and followed through, everyone would be a bit happier.

And yes, there is an exception to every rule, but the rules need to be there and adhered to as they are the foundation for knowing your world and what to expect in various situations. We learn that a red light at an intersection means for people to stop; the consequences of ignoring this rule can be tragic.
So, teach your children about the rules of the world and how the general society expects them to act while in the world. Give them clearly defined expectations and explain why they are important. Then provide them with the consequences of not adhering to the rules. With older children, you can include them in this process. Some kids actually dole out more harsh punishments then you will and it does help you when they do have to accept the consequences as you say to them; “well, this was your choice” Because, isn’t that what life is about, choices? We all have more choices then we realize and this is a great beginning to teaching your child how to make the best choices for them.

Remember, that if you are asking them to do something, it needs to be something you will do yourself. They are mirrors of ourselves and they will call you on your expectations if you don’t follow through. And yes, there are those things that fall into the “adult” only category, but you need to explain that to your children. If you want your children to be honest and behave well then you have to show them the way.