How different this entry might have been had I wrote it in November. At times, especially difficult times, it seems that Respect and Responsibility are thrown out the window for self serving purposes or self preservation for those who seek justification.
As the world looks on with voyeuristic delight at Tiger Woods “transgressions” I can’t help but wonder as he will answer those tough questions his children will have for him someday; and they will ask, mark my words. We all want our kids to be the best, happy, smart, good looking, popular, rich, famous even, but how do we really feel about them being Respectful and Responsible? We want them to respect us (Don’t talk back to me, do your chores when I tell you). We want them to take responsibility for their actions (Who broke the table, who took the money from my dresser). But what do we really think about Respect & Responsibly.
What do those words mean to you as a person, a man, a woman, a parent, co-worker, a millionaire, a priest, a single parent a thief? I suspect, it will mean different things based on the aforementioned categories as it boils down to perspective.
Respect
Esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment.
deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: respect for a suspect's right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly.
the condition of being esteemed or honored: to be held in respect.
Lets for the sake of raising children use the last entry. Self respect is holding oneself in high esteem. Respect for others is holding others in esteem. And then there is the respect for rules put forth by institutions etc. The problem becomes teaching and modeling respect when most people don’t understand what respect looks like or they don’t hold themselves accountable for being respectful of others rights. It’s kind of a twisted version of “not in my back yard” or forgetting “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”.
So, in order to model this, you have to practice it daily, despite whether or not you’re having a good day. In fact, if you’re having a bad day, it’s the most critical time to put forth respect for self and others. I have found that when I’m having a bad day if I can remain respectful and considerate of others, things begin to shift for the better. Respect and Responsibility are not weaknesses; in fact they are accurate indicators of our character and strength. Isn’t that something to strive for?
When speaking with your teens (or trying as the case may be) if you have not modeled respect for self and others, why would you expect that your children are going to reflect such traits back at you? By showing respect for your children’s feelings (the operative idea here is THEIR feelings, you allowed them to feel good about who they are. Does it mean you agree with everything? No, but it means you respect the right of them to have their own thoughts, beliefs, etc. I can almost feel some parents cringing but if you want your children to talk with you and share, you have to allow them to share who they are. Ask questions about their thoughts; how did they come to these feelings, conclusions about life, career etc. You might find they open up more than you would have expected if they feel that you actually care about what they think. Remember, they are kids, they will change their mind and perspective numerous times before they become adults.
Next up; Responsibility, teaching children to be accountable for their actions.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Friday, December 4, 2009
How quick the time goes
Yep, it's been a while; Again. The holidays, and they do begin with Halloween just seem to be going by at a rapid pace this year. I can't believe that it's only three weeks till Christmas. We all talk about the things that get in the way of life and what we want or need to do, but it seems to me, it's always a time thing. Time: the one thing man cannot control, no matter how hard we try. There is either too much time on our hands, no time left, time outs, time off, just in the nick of time, well you get the idea.
I think we need to step back and think about what time is and how we go about using it. "They say time changes things, but actually, you have to change them yourself." Andy Warhol.
Children are a constant reminder of how time slips by, they grow so fast. Before you know it they are young adults with opinions and dreams of their own. So, don't you want to make the most of your time on this earth and with the ones you love? And yet, we prioritize things, not time and people and wonder why we are not happier.
When things are gone, we are left with time (on our hands) but when time is gone, it's GONE! Think about that one.
With these tough economic times bringing a dose of reality to those previously immune, maybe it is time to rethink what is truely important in this life we have been given and prioritize in a different manner.
I found a poem (for lack of a better term) that I wrote a while ago and while not a perfect fit, it speaks to what the country is going through currently....a soul revolution.
Measure life in laughter, not tears
In places and people
Not things accumulated throughout the years.
Transient is life
And so are we
Building our lives upon
Immaterial objects...
How foolish are we?
Living, breathing and loving
Is what life is about
Feelings, connecting....
Reaching out
Heart to heart,
Soul to soul
It' all there inside each and every one of us,
Not so far to go.
I think we need to step back and think about what time is and how we go about using it. "They say time changes things, but actually, you have to change them yourself." Andy Warhol.
Children are a constant reminder of how time slips by, they grow so fast. Before you know it they are young adults with opinions and dreams of their own. So, don't you want to make the most of your time on this earth and with the ones you love? And yet, we prioritize things, not time and people and wonder why we are not happier.
When things are gone, we are left with time (on our hands) but when time is gone, it's GONE! Think about that one.
With these tough economic times bringing a dose of reality to those previously immune, maybe it is time to rethink what is truely important in this life we have been given and prioritize in a different manner.
I found a poem (for lack of a better term) that I wrote a while ago and while not a perfect fit, it speaks to what the country is going through currently....a soul revolution.
Measure life in laughter, not tears
In places and people
Not things accumulated throughout the years.
Transient is life
And so are we
Building our lives upon
Immaterial objects...
How foolish are we?
Living, breathing and loving
Is what life is about
Feelings, connecting....
Reaching out
Heart to heart,
Soul to soul
It' all there inside each and every one of us,
Not so far to go.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Unconditional Love
They need to know they are more important than anything they do.
First, I want to apologize for being away for so long. Life has a way of getting in the way of your own dreams, mine of which is to help parents enjoy parenting more and stress less. Sometime, it’s a difficult lesson to teach and live at the same time. My work as a social worker for foster care has kept me extremely busy this past month supporting my parents to be able to provide the best environment and love for the children in their care who need so much love and understanding, more than some of us can fathom.
Foster parenting requires the utmost amount of Unconditional Love. The children have been through so much, and have limited self worth due to the lack of unconditional love in their early lives. I can’t tell you how incredibly important it is that your child knows this love. It is the foundation of human nature and social relationships. That being said, let’s look at what Unconditional love isn’t: It’s not doing everything for your children, or excusing their inappropriate behavior because they are your babies or you don’t want to upset them or have them not like you.
It’s about loving that child for who they are as they become an individual and they will sooner or later want to be their own person. It’s about discipline and discouraging bad behavior. Remember, there are no bad children, only bad behavior. Too many parents attach the label “bad” to the child simultaneously with behavior. If a child is constantly told they are bad, eventually they are going to believe it. This leads to a lack of self worth, which can lead to so many other problems. If they think that no matter what they do, they are bad, they may give up trying.
When we focus on teaching what behavior is expected of our children and why, our children will have a better sense of what is expected of them and conversely, discipline becomes easier. We all make mistakes, one should not feel that one mistake defines us for the rest of our days. A discouraged child will succumb to nefarious characters looking for a child who feels unloved and unvalued by their family. That is the main premise most cults and gangs run under. Find someone willing to do anything to feel accepted and they are yours to manipulate as you see fit.
Children need to know unconditional love in order to believe in themselves. They need to know that you will be there when they fall, help them brush off the dirt and figure out how where things went wrong and how to get back on track. Think of how lack of self love and self acceptance affects all of us. The things we do to “fit in” What do you want for your children? Unconditional love allows children to accept themselves for who they are, believe in their unlimited potential and have compassion for others. Sounds like a good place to be.
First, I want to apologize for being away for so long. Life has a way of getting in the way of your own dreams, mine of which is to help parents enjoy parenting more and stress less. Sometime, it’s a difficult lesson to teach and live at the same time. My work as a social worker for foster care has kept me extremely busy this past month supporting my parents to be able to provide the best environment and love for the children in their care who need so much love and understanding, more than some of us can fathom.
Foster parenting requires the utmost amount of Unconditional Love. The children have been through so much, and have limited self worth due to the lack of unconditional love in their early lives. I can’t tell you how incredibly important it is that your child knows this love. It is the foundation of human nature and social relationships. That being said, let’s look at what Unconditional love isn’t: It’s not doing everything for your children, or excusing their inappropriate behavior because they are your babies or you don’t want to upset them or have them not like you.
It’s about loving that child for who they are as they become an individual and they will sooner or later want to be their own person. It’s about discipline and discouraging bad behavior. Remember, there are no bad children, only bad behavior. Too many parents attach the label “bad” to the child simultaneously with behavior. If a child is constantly told they are bad, eventually they are going to believe it. This leads to a lack of self worth, which can lead to so many other problems. If they think that no matter what they do, they are bad, they may give up trying.
When we focus on teaching what behavior is expected of our children and why, our children will have a better sense of what is expected of them and conversely, discipline becomes easier. We all make mistakes, one should not feel that one mistake defines us for the rest of our days. A discouraged child will succumb to nefarious characters looking for a child who feels unloved and unvalued by their family. That is the main premise most cults and gangs run under. Find someone willing to do anything to feel accepted and they are yours to manipulate as you see fit.
Children need to know unconditional love in order to believe in themselves. They need to know that you will be there when they fall, help them brush off the dirt and figure out how where things went wrong and how to get back on track. Think of how lack of self love and self acceptance affects all of us. The things we do to “fit in” What do you want for your children? Unconditional love allows children to accept themselves for who they are, believe in their unlimited potential and have compassion for others. Sounds like a good place to be.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Obey Your Own Rules
They say that children learn what they live. So, what are you teaching them? This principle is similar to “observe your own behavior” in that what our children learn and how they proceed through the world begins with what we teach through our own behavior and our expectations of their behavior. Or, in other words, the rules we teach.
Children look to us to provide structure to their world; otherwise it can seem chaotic and downright scary. Even those grumpy teenagers are hoping you will rein them in when they don’t have the courage to do so themselves; they just can’t admit it readily.
So, what kind of behavior do you want from your kid? Think about this: How do you want them to behave at home? At school? In public? Do you want them to be a productive member of society or a social outcast? In order for them to behave well and or appropriately, you have to give the guidelines. Don’t expect them to just know these things, they are kids; the little ones don’t know anything unless they are taught and the older one’s may not fully understand what is expected from them. Just because they are as tall as you, does not mean they know as much as you (oh, they will think so, but we know the truth) Remember, they are looking to you for guidance: Say what you mean, mean what you say and let YOUR actions show them the way.
Decide what your house rules are and make sure everyone knows them and the consequences of breaking them. And then, this is important: FOLLOW YOUR OWN RULES. Be consistent with the consequences and don’t back down. There are rules all around us for the rest of our lives, and the testing ground is home.
So, if you tell your children that stealing is wrong, and they watch you at the grocery checkout not pay for an item or two that the checker missed, you are sending a mixed message and it is bound to cause confusion. Now we all know about ‘finder’s keepers’ and the like, but just as with little white lies, it’s still stealing and it’s still lying. I do not know many kids or adults who like the double standard, especially when they are on the losing end. Maybe if we all tried to be a bit more practiced in our approach to rules of behavior and followed through, everyone would be a bit happier.
And yes, there is an exception to every rule, but the rules need to be there and adhered to as they are the foundation for knowing your world and what to expect in various situations. We learn that a red light at an intersection means for people to stop; the consequences of ignoring this rule can be tragic.
So, teach your children about the rules of the world and how the general society expects them to act while in the world. Give them clearly defined expectations and explain why they are important. Then provide them with the consequences of not adhering to the rules. With older children, you can include them in this process. Some kids actually dole out more harsh punishments then you will and it does help you when they do have to accept the consequences as you say to them; “well, this was your choice” Because, isn’t that what life is about, choices? We all have more choices then we realize and this is a great beginning to teaching your child how to make the best choices for them.
Remember, that if you are asking them to do something, it needs to be something you will do yourself. They are mirrors of ourselves and they will call you on your expectations if you don’t follow through. And yes, there are those things that fall into the “adult” only category, but you need to explain that to your children. If you want your children to be honest and behave well then you have to show them the way.
Children look to us to provide structure to their world; otherwise it can seem chaotic and downright scary. Even those grumpy teenagers are hoping you will rein them in when they don’t have the courage to do so themselves; they just can’t admit it readily.
So, what kind of behavior do you want from your kid? Think about this: How do you want them to behave at home? At school? In public? Do you want them to be a productive member of society or a social outcast? In order for them to behave well and or appropriately, you have to give the guidelines. Don’t expect them to just know these things, they are kids; the little ones don’t know anything unless they are taught and the older one’s may not fully understand what is expected from them. Just because they are as tall as you, does not mean they know as much as you (oh, they will think so, but we know the truth) Remember, they are looking to you for guidance: Say what you mean, mean what you say and let YOUR actions show them the way.
Decide what your house rules are and make sure everyone knows them and the consequences of breaking them. And then, this is important: FOLLOW YOUR OWN RULES. Be consistent with the consequences and don’t back down. There are rules all around us for the rest of our lives, and the testing ground is home.
So, if you tell your children that stealing is wrong, and they watch you at the grocery checkout not pay for an item or two that the checker missed, you are sending a mixed message and it is bound to cause confusion. Now we all know about ‘finder’s keepers’ and the like, but just as with little white lies, it’s still stealing and it’s still lying. I do not know many kids or adults who like the double standard, especially when they are on the losing end. Maybe if we all tried to be a bit more practiced in our approach to rules of behavior and followed through, everyone would be a bit happier.
And yes, there is an exception to every rule, but the rules need to be there and adhered to as they are the foundation for knowing your world and what to expect in various situations. We learn that a red light at an intersection means for people to stop; the consequences of ignoring this rule can be tragic.
So, teach your children about the rules of the world and how the general society expects them to act while in the world. Give them clearly defined expectations and explain why they are important. Then provide them with the consequences of not adhering to the rules. With older children, you can include them in this process. Some kids actually dole out more harsh punishments then you will and it does help you when they do have to accept the consequences as you say to them; “well, this was your choice” Because, isn’t that what life is about, choices? We all have more choices then we realize and this is a great beginning to teaching your child how to make the best choices for them.
Remember, that if you are asking them to do something, it needs to be something you will do yourself. They are mirrors of ourselves and they will call you on your expectations if you don’t follow through. And yes, there are those things that fall into the “adult” only category, but you need to explain that to your children. If you want your children to be honest and behave well then you have to show them the way.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Yelling is Not Communication
Well, this one would appear to be a no brainer. While it seems at time we are nation of yellers, yelling is not about communicating, it’s about power & control. Yelling is a manipulative technique to try and coerce someone into backing down. Yelling is about bullying someone into submission. It really serves no sensible purpose and it will surely send your child to Johnny down the road, or a cult to get what they need.
As soon as you start yelling, they stop listening. We cannot be surprised by this. Even as adults, we try yelling; in the senate, at sports events, in meetings...It’s as if we think that yelling gets our point across better or that people actually listen to a red faced angry person. While I do not discount anger, one is better served to bring forth concerns with a somewhat reasonable tone if they wish to be heard and taken seriously. Do I think this is right, not particularly as anger or frustration is a byproduct of a need not being met, so maybe we need to take the anger and tone into consideration, realizing it means something to the person voicing their concerns? It has been my experience that the angrier a person appears, can also mean that the issue is quite important to them. The trick is to figure out which one it is.
As parents, we have to realize that our children are ruled by multiple stimuli from their environment, TV, peers and their own internal fears, oh and don’t forget, hormones. This is a recipie for one crazy making interaction between you and your children with lots of yelling and drama for all. However, if you remember that you and your children are at different stages in life and the pressures they are living with (you lived with the same ones when you were young) are real to them, you will find that you can communicate with your child from a position of understanding and support rather than manipulation, control and anger.
So, when confronted with a volatile situation with your child, take a breath, and then say what you want to say calmly, so they can hear it. Now realize that you will have to give them a chance to speak their mind too. Trust me, you will both get more out of the interchange this way. Remember, that they have to abide by the same rules that you have just modeled: speak slowly and clearly and you will not interrupt. This is also known as active listening. This is something that will serve you and your children in all of your social interaction whether it is your spouse, parents or co-workers.
Time outs are also a good for calming down, you and or your kids. I love the IKEA commercial where the mother states, it’s time for a time out and she retreats to her room leaving two puzzled (and quiet) young children in the living room. Don’t forget the dark chocolate!
As soon as you start yelling, they stop listening. We cannot be surprised by this. Even as adults, we try yelling; in the senate, at sports events, in meetings...It’s as if we think that yelling gets our point across better or that people actually listen to a red faced angry person. While I do not discount anger, one is better served to bring forth concerns with a somewhat reasonable tone if they wish to be heard and taken seriously. Do I think this is right, not particularly as anger or frustration is a byproduct of a need not being met, so maybe we need to take the anger and tone into consideration, realizing it means something to the person voicing their concerns? It has been my experience that the angrier a person appears, can also mean that the issue is quite important to them. The trick is to figure out which one it is.
As parents, we have to realize that our children are ruled by multiple stimuli from their environment, TV, peers and their own internal fears, oh and don’t forget, hormones. This is a recipie for one crazy making interaction between you and your children with lots of yelling and drama for all. However, if you remember that you and your children are at different stages in life and the pressures they are living with (you lived with the same ones when you were young) are real to them, you will find that you can communicate with your child from a position of understanding and support rather than manipulation, control and anger.
So, when confronted with a volatile situation with your child, take a breath, and then say what you want to say calmly, so they can hear it. Now realize that you will have to give them a chance to speak their mind too. Trust me, you will both get more out of the interchange this way. Remember, that they have to abide by the same rules that you have just modeled: speak slowly and clearly and you will not interrupt. This is also known as active listening. This is something that will serve you and your children in all of your social interaction whether it is your spouse, parents or co-workers.
Time outs are also a good for calming down, you and or your kids. I love the IKEA commercial where the mother states, it’s time for a time out and she retreats to her room leaving two puzzled (and quiet) young children in the living room. Don’t forget the dark chocolate!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Encourage them and their dreams
Hello, boy, it has been a busy few weeks and I seemed to have fallen off the blogging path. So many things came up between work and family that I just couldn't get to my blog. I'm sure we all know the turmoil of too much happenning at the same time and priorities needing to be shifted for a bit. But mayhem has been managed and I can get back to the task of writing about how to make parenting more fun for you, your spouse and your kids.
So, onward to Encourage them and their dreams....
Do you remember when you were a kid and dreamt of being a movie star, a sports hero, the president or a daredevil or a rock star? We all had such dreams as children, fantasizing about being just like our heroes. At that moment in time, those dreams were a real as they could be. One could spend hours thinking about how they would sink the winning basket, or hitthe walk off home run. Or maybe your were thinking what your acceptance speech would be at the Oscars, or when you won the Nobel Prize. Whatever your dreams were, they were tangible and gave you something to strive for, something important you wanted to attain and at that time, everything seemed possible.
But then people told you dreams are silly, a waste of time, you could never really expect to be all that and slowly you stopped dreaming and got down to being practical, because practical is best, it is safe and it is expected by many of us in today’s world. Many of us look back with amusement on some of the dreams we held as children. I for one, wanted to be like Mahatma Gandhi, yeah, not sure where that came from, but I wanted to help people make the world a better place. Oh, and I wanted to be a great actress once.
Dreams play an important role in our lives. Everyone needs to dream to stretch our minds to the infinite possibilities in the universe. What if the Wright brothers had not had the dream of flight? What if they allowed naysayers to stop them from believing that man could fly. Most childhood dreams are transitory, a fleeting fancy of the latest fad, but even those dreams provide an opportunity to learn and grow and for you as a parent to encourage and support your child in delving into their own desires.
How cool would it be to actually live your dreams, to have a life that truly inspires you and brings you joy and satisfaction? Is that not what we are looking for in this life, to be happy and find our purpose? When your children talk of their dreams and aspirations, don’t be so quick to negate them, ask them questions about their dreams; have them research their dreams and see what it entails to make them come true. If it’s a phase it will pass, but if you’re supportive, you can both have some fun and maybe learn something new about yourself and your child.
Sounds like a win - win situation to me.
So, onward to Encourage them and their dreams....
Do you remember when you were a kid and dreamt of being a movie star, a sports hero, the president or a daredevil or a rock star? We all had such dreams as children, fantasizing about being just like our heroes. At that moment in time, those dreams were a real as they could be. One could spend hours thinking about how they would sink the winning basket, or hitthe walk off home run. Or maybe your were thinking what your acceptance speech would be at the Oscars, or when you won the Nobel Prize. Whatever your dreams were, they were tangible and gave you something to strive for, something important you wanted to attain and at that time, everything seemed possible.
But then people told you dreams are silly, a waste of time, you could never really expect to be all that and slowly you stopped dreaming and got down to being practical, because practical is best, it is safe and it is expected by many of us in today’s world. Many of us look back with amusement on some of the dreams we held as children. I for one, wanted to be like Mahatma Gandhi, yeah, not sure where that came from, but I wanted to help people make the world a better place. Oh, and I wanted to be a great actress once.
Dreams play an important role in our lives. Everyone needs to dream to stretch our minds to the infinite possibilities in the universe. What if the Wright brothers had not had the dream of flight? What if they allowed naysayers to stop them from believing that man could fly. Most childhood dreams are transitory, a fleeting fancy of the latest fad, but even those dreams provide an opportunity to learn and grow and for you as a parent to encourage and support your child in delving into their own desires.
How cool would it be to actually live your dreams, to have a life that truly inspires you and brings you joy and satisfaction? Is that not what we are looking for in this life, to be happy and find our purpose? When your children talk of their dreams and aspirations, don’t be so quick to negate them, ask them questions about their dreams; have them research their dreams and see what it entails to make them come true. If it’s a phase it will pass, but if you’re supportive, you can both have some fun and maybe learn something new about yourself and your child.
Sounds like a win - win situation to me.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Ways we invalidate others
It would seem that on the whole we have become a nation that invalidates. The young child who is afraid to take a test and is told, “Don’t be silly” or “your just being silly” is a case in point. While the case may be that they are overreacting to taking the test, for them the fear is real and to negate it can make a child feel worse about themselves not better. Think about it, on top of feeling afraid, now they are being told that they are silly too. In our efforts to make our children feel better, we may be doing the opposite.
So, what does one say to a child who is experiencing fear or anxiety? First, you acknowledge the fear and then help them break it down into its components so that they can understand what is really driving the fear. Fear has three components: The subjective experience of apprehension; the associated psychological changes and the attempts to escape the situation. Ranchman, S. J. (1990). Fear and courage - Second edition. New York: W. H. Freeman and Company.
A person’s subjective experience is how that individual processes their environment. That is why we all have different emotions regarding the same or similar situations. Emotions are colored by our prior experiences, age, learning and our level of coping mechanisms. Think of how and why we grow out of childhood fears.
Psychological changes are each person’s distinctive reaction to what is going on in one’s life. Again, children respond differently emotionally than do adults. To tell them to grow up is impossible and unfair, they are where they are and can’t move forward because you think they should. But, as a parent, you can listen, acknowledge their emotions and help them to see how they work for and against them depending on the situation. (Don’t always expect this to be easy) It will go a long way to making them feel validated and provide them the internal courage to face their fears and excel in spite of them. Is that not what we all wish for?
Your child comes to you afraid they are going to flunk a test at school. What do you do? Acknoweldge the fear and then explore with them in a non-judgmental manner where they feel the fear comes from. If it’s because they did not study, well the fear is warranted due to their lack of preparation. This is where logical consequences come in…you don’t study enough, you run the risk of flunking. Solution; next time, put in the appropriate amount of studying.
The idea is to allow your child to feel their emotions: anger, fear, joy, sorrow to name a few. Emotions are a complex part of our lives and more issues arise from people not feeling heard or validated in how they feel. While the feelings may not always be warranted, they are real and it makes sense to deal with them to a positive outcome then to stuff them down for fear of sharing.
So, what does one say to a child who is experiencing fear or anxiety? First, you acknowledge the fear and then help them break it down into its components so that they can understand what is really driving the fear. Fear has three components: The subjective experience of apprehension; the associated psychological changes and the attempts to escape the situation. Ranchman, S. J. (1990). Fear and courage - Second edition. New York: W. H. Freeman and Company.
A person’s subjective experience is how that individual processes their environment. That is why we all have different emotions regarding the same or similar situations. Emotions are colored by our prior experiences, age, learning and our level of coping mechanisms. Think of how and why we grow out of childhood fears.
Psychological changes are each person’s distinctive reaction to what is going on in one’s life. Again, children respond differently emotionally than do adults. To tell them to grow up is impossible and unfair, they are where they are and can’t move forward because you think they should. But, as a parent, you can listen, acknowledge their emotions and help them to see how they work for and against them depending on the situation. (Don’t always expect this to be easy) It will go a long way to making them feel validated and provide them the internal courage to face their fears and excel in spite of them. Is that not what we all wish for?
Your child comes to you afraid they are going to flunk a test at school. What do you do? Acknoweldge the fear and then explore with them in a non-judgmental manner where they feel the fear comes from. If it’s because they did not study, well the fear is warranted due to their lack of preparation. This is where logical consequences come in…you don’t study enough, you run the risk of flunking. Solution; next time, put in the appropriate amount of studying.
The idea is to allow your child to feel their emotions: anger, fear, joy, sorrow to name a few. Emotions are a complex part of our lives and more issues arise from people not feeling heard or validated in how they feel. While the feelings may not always be warranted, they are real and it makes sense to deal with them to a positive outcome then to stuff them down for fear of sharing.
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