They say that children learn what they live. So, what are you teaching them? This principle is similar to “observe your own behavior” in that what our children learn and how they proceed through the world begins with what we teach through our own behavior and our expectations of their behavior. Or, in other words, the rules we teach.
Children look to us to provide structure to their world; otherwise it can seem chaotic and downright scary. Even those grumpy teenagers are hoping you will rein them in when they don’t have the courage to do so themselves; they just can’t admit it readily.
So, what kind of behavior do you want from your kid? Think about this: How do you want them to behave at home? At school? In public? Do you want them to be a productive member of society or a social outcast? In order for them to behave well and or appropriately, you have to give the guidelines. Don’t expect them to just know these things, they are kids; the little ones don’t know anything unless they are taught and the older one’s may not fully understand what is expected from them. Just because they are as tall as you, does not mean they know as much as you (oh, they will think so, but we know the truth) Remember, they are looking to you for guidance: Say what you mean, mean what you say and let YOUR actions show them the way.
Decide what your house rules are and make sure everyone knows them and the consequences of breaking them. And then, this is important: FOLLOW YOUR OWN RULES. Be consistent with the consequences and don’t back down. There are rules all around us for the rest of our lives, and the testing ground is home.
So, if you tell your children that stealing is wrong, and they watch you at the grocery checkout not pay for an item or two that the checker missed, you are sending a mixed message and it is bound to cause confusion. Now we all know about ‘finder’s keepers’ and the like, but just as with little white lies, it’s still stealing and it’s still lying. I do not know many kids or adults who like the double standard, especially when they are on the losing end. Maybe if we all tried to be a bit more practiced in our approach to rules of behavior and followed through, everyone would be a bit happier.
And yes, there is an exception to every rule, but the rules need to be there and adhered to as they are the foundation for knowing your world and what to expect in various situations. We learn that a red light at an intersection means for people to stop; the consequences of ignoring this rule can be tragic.
So, teach your children about the rules of the world and how the general society expects them to act while in the world. Give them clearly defined expectations and explain why they are important. Then provide them with the consequences of not adhering to the rules. With older children, you can include them in this process. Some kids actually dole out more harsh punishments then you will and it does help you when they do have to accept the consequences as you say to them; “well, this was your choice” Because, isn’t that what life is about, choices? We all have more choices then we realize and this is a great beginning to teaching your child how to make the best choices for them.
Remember, that if you are asking them to do something, it needs to be something you will do yourself. They are mirrors of ourselves and they will call you on your expectations if you don’t follow through. And yes, there are those things that fall into the “adult” only category, but you need to explain that to your children. If you want your children to be honest and behave well then you have to show them the way.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Yelling is Not Communication
Well, this one would appear to be a no brainer. While it seems at time we are nation of yellers, yelling is not about communicating, it’s about power & control. Yelling is a manipulative technique to try and coerce someone into backing down. Yelling is about bullying someone into submission. It really serves no sensible purpose and it will surely send your child to Johnny down the road, or a cult to get what they need.
As soon as you start yelling, they stop listening. We cannot be surprised by this. Even as adults, we try yelling; in the senate, at sports events, in meetings...It’s as if we think that yelling gets our point across better or that people actually listen to a red faced angry person. While I do not discount anger, one is better served to bring forth concerns with a somewhat reasonable tone if they wish to be heard and taken seriously. Do I think this is right, not particularly as anger or frustration is a byproduct of a need not being met, so maybe we need to take the anger and tone into consideration, realizing it means something to the person voicing their concerns? It has been my experience that the angrier a person appears, can also mean that the issue is quite important to them. The trick is to figure out which one it is.
As parents, we have to realize that our children are ruled by multiple stimuli from their environment, TV, peers and their own internal fears, oh and don’t forget, hormones. This is a recipie for one crazy making interaction between you and your children with lots of yelling and drama for all. However, if you remember that you and your children are at different stages in life and the pressures they are living with (you lived with the same ones when you were young) are real to them, you will find that you can communicate with your child from a position of understanding and support rather than manipulation, control and anger.
So, when confronted with a volatile situation with your child, take a breath, and then say what you want to say calmly, so they can hear it. Now realize that you will have to give them a chance to speak their mind too. Trust me, you will both get more out of the interchange this way. Remember, that they have to abide by the same rules that you have just modeled: speak slowly and clearly and you will not interrupt. This is also known as active listening. This is something that will serve you and your children in all of your social interaction whether it is your spouse, parents or co-workers.
Time outs are also a good for calming down, you and or your kids. I love the IKEA commercial where the mother states, it’s time for a time out and she retreats to her room leaving two puzzled (and quiet) young children in the living room. Don’t forget the dark chocolate!
As soon as you start yelling, they stop listening. We cannot be surprised by this. Even as adults, we try yelling; in the senate, at sports events, in meetings...It’s as if we think that yelling gets our point across better or that people actually listen to a red faced angry person. While I do not discount anger, one is better served to bring forth concerns with a somewhat reasonable tone if they wish to be heard and taken seriously. Do I think this is right, not particularly as anger or frustration is a byproduct of a need not being met, so maybe we need to take the anger and tone into consideration, realizing it means something to the person voicing their concerns? It has been my experience that the angrier a person appears, can also mean that the issue is quite important to them. The trick is to figure out which one it is.
As parents, we have to realize that our children are ruled by multiple stimuli from their environment, TV, peers and their own internal fears, oh and don’t forget, hormones. This is a recipie for one crazy making interaction between you and your children with lots of yelling and drama for all. However, if you remember that you and your children are at different stages in life and the pressures they are living with (you lived with the same ones when you were young) are real to them, you will find that you can communicate with your child from a position of understanding and support rather than manipulation, control and anger.
So, when confronted with a volatile situation with your child, take a breath, and then say what you want to say calmly, so they can hear it. Now realize that you will have to give them a chance to speak their mind too. Trust me, you will both get more out of the interchange this way. Remember, that they have to abide by the same rules that you have just modeled: speak slowly and clearly and you will not interrupt. This is also known as active listening. This is something that will serve you and your children in all of your social interaction whether it is your spouse, parents or co-workers.
Time outs are also a good for calming down, you and or your kids. I love the IKEA commercial where the mother states, it’s time for a time out and she retreats to her room leaving two puzzled (and quiet) young children in the living room. Don’t forget the dark chocolate!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Encourage them and their dreams
Hello, boy, it has been a busy few weeks and I seemed to have fallen off the blogging path. So many things came up between work and family that I just couldn't get to my blog. I'm sure we all know the turmoil of too much happenning at the same time and priorities needing to be shifted for a bit. But mayhem has been managed and I can get back to the task of writing about how to make parenting more fun for you, your spouse and your kids.
So, onward to Encourage them and their dreams....
Do you remember when you were a kid and dreamt of being a movie star, a sports hero, the president or a daredevil or a rock star? We all had such dreams as children, fantasizing about being just like our heroes. At that moment in time, those dreams were a real as they could be. One could spend hours thinking about how they would sink the winning basket, or hitthe walk off home run. Or maybe your were thinking what your acceptance speech would be at the Oscars, or when you won the Nobel Prize. Whatever your dreams were, they were tangible and gave you something to strive for, something important you wanted to attain and at that time, everything seemed possible.
But then people told you dreams are silly, a waste of time, you could never really expect to be all that and slowly you stopped dreaming and got down to being practical, because practical is best, it is safe and it is expected by many of us in today’s world. Many of us look back with amusement on some of the dreams we held as children. I for one, wanted to be like Mahatma Gandhi, yeah, not sure where that came from, but I wanted to help people make the world a better place. Oh, and I wanted to be a great actress once.
Dreams play an important role in our lives. Everyone needs to dream to stretch our minds to the infinite possibilities in the universe. What if the Wright brothers had not had the dream of flight? What if they allowed naysayers to stop them from believing that man could fly. Most childhood dreams are transitory, a fleeting fancy of the latest fad, but even those dreams provide an opportunity to learn and grow and for you as a parent to encourage and support your child in delving into their own desires.
How cool would it be to actually live your dreams, to have a life that truly inspires you and brings you joy and satisfaction? Is that not what we are looking for in this life, to be happy and find our purpose? When your children talk of their dreams and aspirations, don’t be so quick to negate them, ask them questions about their dreams; have them research their dreams and see what it entails to make them come true. If it’s a phase it will pass, but if you’re supportive, you can both have some fun and maybe learn something new about yourself and your child.
Sounds like a win - win situation to me.
So, onward to Encourage them and their dreams....
Do you remember when you were a kid and dreamt of being a movie star, a sports hero, the president or a daredevil or a rock star? We all had such dreams as children, fantasizing about being just like our heroes. At that moment in time, those dreams were a real as they could be. One could spend hours thinking about how they would sink the winning basket, or hitthe walk off home run. Or maybe your were thinking what your acceptance speech would be at the Oscars, or when you won the Nobel Prize. Whatever your dreams were, they were tangible and gave you something to strive for, something important you wanted to attain and at that time, everything seemed possible.
But then people told you dreams are silly, a waste of time, you could never really expect to be all that and slowly you stopped dreaming and got down to being practical, because practical is best, it is safe and it is expected by many of us in today’s world. Many of us look back with amusement on some of the dreams we held as children. I for one, wanted to be like Mahatma Gandhi, yeah, not sure where that came from, but I wanted to help people make the world a better place. Oh, and I wanted to be a great actress once.
Dreams play an important role in our lives. Everyone needs to dream to stretch our minds to the infinite possibilities in the universe. What if the Wright brothers had not had the dream of flight? What if they allowed naysayers to stop them from believing that man could fly. Most childhood dreams are transitory, a fleeting fancy of the latest fad, but even those dreams provide an opportunity to learn and grow and for you as a parent to encourage and support your child in delving into their own desires.
How cool would it be to actually live your dreams, to have a life that truly inspires you and brings you joy and satisfaction? Is that not what we are looking for in this life, to be happy and find our purpose? When your children talk of their dreams and aspirations, don’t be so quick to negate them, ask them questions about their dreams; have them research their dreams and see what it entails to make them come true. If it’s a phase it will pass, but if you’re supportive, you can both have some fun and maybe learn something new about yourself and your child.
Sounds like a win - win situation to me.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Ways we invalidate others
It would seem that on the whole we have become a nation that invalidates. The young child who is afraid to take a test and is told, “Don’t be silly” or “your just being silly” is a case in point. While the case may be that they are overreacting to taking the test, for them the fear is real and to negate it can make a child feel worse about themselves not better. Think about it, on top of feeling afraid, now they are being told that they are silly too. In our efforts to make our children feel better, we may be doing the opposite.
So, what does one say to a child who is experiencing fear or anxiety? First, you acknowledge the fear and then help them break it down into its components so that they can understand what is really driving the fear. Fear has three components: The subjective experience of apprehension; the associated psychological changes and the attempts to escape the situation. Ranchman, S. J. (1990). Fear and courage - Second edition. New York: W. H. Freeman and Company.
A person’s subjective experience is how that individual processes their environment. That is why we all have different emotions regarding the same or similar situations. Emotions are colored by our prior experiences, age, learning and our level of coping mechanisms. Think of how and why we grow out of childhood fears.
Psychological changes are each person’s distinctive reaction to what is going on in one’s life. Again, children respond differently emotionally than do adults. To tell them to grow up is impossible and unfair, they are where they are and can’t move forward because you think they should. But, as a parent, you can listen, acknowledge their emotions and help them to see how they work for and against them depending on the situation. (Don’t always expect this to be easy) It will go a long way to making them feel validated and provide them the internal courage to face their fears and excel in spite of them. Is that not what we all wish for?
Your child comes to you afraid they are going to flunk a test at school. What do you do? Acknoweldge the fear and then explore with them in a non-judgmental manner where they feel the fear comes from. If it’s because they did not study, well the fear is warranted due to their lack of preparation. This is where logical consequences come in…you don’t study enough, you run the risk of flunking. Solution; next time, put in the appropriate amount of studying.
The idea is to allow your child to feel their emotions: anger, fear, joy, sorrow to name a few. Emotions are a complex part of our lives and more issues arise from people not feeling heard or validated in how they feel. While the feelings may not always be warranted, they are real and it makes sense to deal with them to a positive outcome then to stuff them down for fear of sharing.
So, what does one say to a child who is experiencing fear or anxiety? First, you acknowledge the fear and then help them break it down into its components so that they can understand what is really driving the fear. Fear has three components: The subjective experience of apprehension; the associated psychological changes and the attempts to escape the situation. Ranchman, S. J. (1990). Fear and courage - Second edition. New York: W. H. Freeman and Company.
A person’s subjective experience is how that individual processes their environment. That is why we all have different emotions regarding the same or similar situations. Emotions are colored by our prior experiences, age, learning and our level of coping mechanisms. Think of how and why we grow out of childhood fears.
Psychological changes are each person’s distinctive reaction to what is going on in one’s life. Again, children respond differently emotionally than do adults. To tell them to grow up is impossible and unfair, they are where they are and can’t move forward because you think they should. But, as a parent, you can listen, acknowledge their emotions and help them to see how they work for and against them depending on the situation. (Don’t always expect this to be easy) It will go a long way to making them feel validated and provide them the internal courage to face their fears and excel in spite of them. Is that not what we all wish for?
Your child comes to you afraid they are going to flunk a test at school. What do you do? Acknoweldge the fear and then explore with them in a non-judgmental manner where they feel the fear comes from. If it’s because they did not study, well the fear is warranted due to their lack of preparation. This is where logical consequences come in…you don’t study enough, you run the risk of flunking. Solution; next time, put in the appropriate amount of studying.
The idea is to allow your child to feel their emotions: anger, fear, joy, sorrow to name a few. Emotions are a complex part of our lives and more issues arise from people not feeling heard or validated in how they feel. While the feelings may not always be warranted, they are real and it makes sense to deal with them to a positive outcome then to stuff them down for fear of sharing.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Validate them and their feelings
Feelings or emotions are a rather strong component of being human. We all feel what we feel regardles of whether we want to at times. Telling someone their feelings are wrong, silly or unwarranted does not make the feelings go away, it just makes that person feel, unheard, unloved and invalidated.
We all have feelings, things that affect us in many ways – It’s safe to say that everyone experiences life from their own unique perspective (this is affected by each person’s past experience, personality and gender to name a few)
Feelings are not necessarily right or wrong, they just are what they are. Try to stop an emotion from welling up, it’s not easy. (Holding back tears of sadness or joy; stifling a cry of rage) We’ve all done it, or tried to do it at least a couple of times. We all know that feelings can be one of the biggest barriers to communication. Understanding feelings and how it can affect our interactions is crucial to having a better relationship with your children, or anyone for that matter.
At times, we don’t seem to know what to make of our feelings as adults, so why do we jump so quickly to suppress our children’s feelings. As parents, we need to help our children understand and work through their feelings (especially those which cause pain, or confusion) and come up with workable solutions if they are warranted. And sometimes we need to just hold them and let them feel what they feel in the safety of our loving embrace.
When dealing with your children’s feelings, it is best to choose words that embody encouragement, understanding and compassion rather than words that negate or belittle or invalidate what they are experiencing. As a parent, of course you want them to feel good, but ignoring their emotions no matter how noble the reason, does your child little good in the long run. Denial is more than just a river in Eqypt.
Help them face their feelings and work through them. Your child will talk to you more and seek your counsel if you listen to them and help them navigate their emotions not wallow in them or deny them completely. Validate their feelings, accept them for what they are and help them to learn how to figure things out for themselves. (You won’t always be there to help, don’t leave them stranded without the tools to figure life out for themselves).
Next: ways we invalidate others.
We all have feelings, things that affect us in many ways – It’s safe to say that everyone experiences life from their own unique perspective (this is affected by each person’s past experience, personality and gender to name a few)
Feelings are not necessarily right or wrong, they just are what they are. Try to stop an emotion from welling up, it’s not easy. (Holding back tears of sadness or joy; stifling a cry of rage) We’ve all done it, or tried to do it at least a couple of times. We all know that feelings can be one of the biggest barriers to communication. Understanding feelings and how it can affect our interactions is crucial to having a better relationship with your children, or anyone for that matter.
At times, we don’t seem to know what to make of our feelings as adults, so why do we jump so quickly to suppress our children’s feelings. As parents, we need to help our children understand and work through their feelings (especially those which cause pain, or confusion) and come up with workable solutions if they are warranted. And sometimes we need to just hold them and let them feel what they feel in the safety of our loving embrace.
When dealing with your children’s feelings, it is best to choose words that embody encouragement, understanding and compassion rather than words that negate or belittle or invalidate what they are experiencing. As a parent, of course you want them to feel good, but ignoring their emotions no matter how noble the reason, does your child little good in the long run. Denial is more than just a river in Eqypt.
Help them face their feelings and work through them. Your child will talk to you more and seek your counsel if you listen to them and help them navigate their emotions not wallow in them or deny them completely. Validate their feelings, accept them for what they are and help them to learn how to figure things out for themselves. (You won’t always be there to help, don’t leave them stranded without the tools to figure life out for themselves).
Next: ways we invalidate others.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Observe Your Own Behavior
Learning is not just accomplished in the classroom. Children are learning all the time and not just when we are teaching them. In fact they are probably learning more when we are not paying attention. Children mirror our behaviors, so before you criticize, make sure you’re not the source of the behavior.
How many of us remember wanting to be just like mom or dad only to be chastised when we did something they do. Some of you reading this may well remember the gum sticks in the shapes of cigarettes. Hard to believe they every sold such an item today. Children do learn what they live, so you need to think about what are they learning living with you. You have heard, “you are what you eat”…well your children are in part what you model. So, if there are behaviors you do not like in your children, step back and see if your child is mimicking you. This is a tough one; it is not easy to admit that your behavior is being reflected back at you in a not so positive light. But you need to remember this; all behavior is learned. The trick is to find where the unwanted behavior comes from and go back to that point and effect change.
There is of course the old standby, discipline etc, but to truly change behavior, one must go to where the behavior originated. Trying to change or stop behaviors without looking at their origin is like trying to stop internal bleeding without looking for the cause. Band-Aids only work so long. Trying to change behavior will take time and patience, but it can be done. The payoff is worth the effort.
What we know:
Telling your kids to behave when you are not just destroys your credibility. Do as I say, not as I do does not always work. You can’t really get mad at your kids bad behavior if it mirrors your own. Two sets of rules will not resonate with them. “Because I’m an adult” only works in so many situations. I know my father’s favorite line; “Do as I say, not as I do” did not do much for us as kids.
Children live what the learn
If they see you do it, they will too.
They are in as sense mirrors of ourselves, the good the bad and the ugly….
So, the misbehavior you dislike may be your own
Most behavior is learned through observation and listening; what are you teaching your child?
Say what you mean, mean what you say and think about what your actions convey.
How many of us remember wanting to be just like mom or dad only to be chastised when we did something they do. Some of you reading this may well remember the gum sticks in the shapes of cigarettes. Hard to believe they every sold such an item today. Children do learn what they live, so you need to think about what are they learning living with you. You have heard, “you are what you eat”…well your children are in part what you model. So, if there are behaviors you do not like in your children, step back and see if your child is mimicking you. This is a tough one; it is not easy to admit that your behavior is being reflected back at you in a not so positive light. But you need to remember this; all behavior is learned. The trick is to find where the unwanted behavior comes from and go back to that point and effect change.
There is of course the old standby, discipline etc, but to truly change behavior, one must go to where the behavior originated. Trying to change or stop behaviors without looking at their origin is like trying to stop internal bleeding without looking for the cause. Band-Aids only work so long. Trying to change behavior will take time and patience, but it can be done. The payoff is worth the effort.
What we know:
Telling your kids to behave when you are not just destroys your credibility. Do as I say, not as I do does not always work. You can’t really get mad at your kids bad behavior if it mirrors your own. Two sets of rules will not resonate with them. “Because I’m an adult” only works in so many situations. I know my father’s favorite line; “Do as I say, not as I do” did not do much for us as kids.
Children live what the learn
If they see you do it, they will too.
They are in as sense mirrors of ourselves, the good the bad and the ugly….
So, the misbehavior you dislike may be your own
Most behavior is learned through observation and listening; what are you teaching your child?
Say what you mean, mean what you say and think about what your actions convey.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Listening is an integral part of communication which is the foundation for all relationships in your life.
Picking up where I left off last time. If you don’t listen to your kids (modeling) how are they to learn how to listen to you and other people in their lives.
What does it mean to listen?
It’s not enough to just be there, you have to be present.
Listening is about taking in someone’s else’s words, understanding, and respecting those feelings that are being conveyed to you by another through words.
Kids know when your really listening and they know when they are being heard. Listening to your kids does not mean you agree with them or that you give in; it shows you respect them enough to hear what they have to say. This is important if you want them to return the favor and listen to you. (See Observe your Own Behavior)
Reciprocity. Live it, reap the benefits. .
Listening is an integral part of communication
Some things that get in the way of listening
Anger
Depression
Stress
Anxiety
Past experience
Expectations
These factors can be both positive and negative
Breaking down the barriers to listening
Be aware of your barriers
Using “I” statements is about taking responsibility for your own feelings and conveying to others how your feeling about something, not that they made you feel this way.
We do have a choice, and again, no one can truly make you feel anything without your buy in.
When your at odds, with your teen, instead of blaming, ask “What can we do so that we get closer to what we both want?”
Discuss the situation from a problem solving point of view – (hint) the problem is the dirty room or what ever issue your dealing with, not your child. This is not weakness or giving in, it’s teaching kids how to resolve issues without resorting to blame, blackmail or badmouthing.
Thoughts to consider:
If you can’t hold your tongue during this discussion, try sitting on your hands or get a piece of paper and write thoughts down as they come up, but don’t interrupt, you’ll have your say. Let them finish. Then they have to let you finish(modeling).
Did I mention that this is a reciprocal relationship? It’s not a competition, It’s called Communicating.
Kids learn how to argue somewhere . . . . . . . .
What does it mean to listen?
It’s not enough to just be there, you have to be present.
Listening is about taking in someone’s else’s words, understanding, and respecting those feelings that are being conveyed to you by another through words.
Kids know when your really listening and they know when they are being heard. Listening to your kids does not mean you agree with them or that you give in; it shows you respect them enough to hear what they have to say. This is important if you want them to return the favor and listen to you. (See Observe your Own Behavior)
Reciprocity. Live it, reap the benefits. .
Listening is an integral part of communication
Some things that get in the way of listening
Anger
Depression
Stress
Anxiety
Past experience
Expectations
These factors can be both positive and negative
Breaking down the barriers to listening
Be aware of your barriers
Using “I” statements is about taking responsibility for your own feelings and conveying to others how your feeling about something, not that they made you feel this way.
We do have a choice, and again, no one can truly make you feel anything without your buy in.
When your at odds, with your teen, instead of blaming, ask “What can we do so that we get closer to what we both want?”
Discuss the situation from a problem solving point of view – (hint) the problem is the dirty room or what ever issue your dealing with, not your child. This is not weakness or giving in, it’s teaching kids how to resolve issues without resorting to blame, blackmail or badmouthing.
Thoughts to consider:
If you can’t hold your tongue during this discussion, try sitting on your hands or get a piece of paper and write thoughts down as they come up, but don’t interrupt, you’ll have your say. Let them finish. Then they have to let you finish(modeling).
Did I mention that this is a reciprocal relationship? It’s not a competition, It’s called Communicating.
Kids learn how to argue somewhere . . . . . . . .
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